


Until You Came Along

by Sandylee007



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst and Feels, Boys In Love, Confused Magnus Bane, Depressed Magnus Bane, Drama, Episode Remix, Episode: s03e16 Stay With Me, Love, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Past Torture, Sad Alec Lightwood, Sick Magnus Bane, Slow Burn, Supportive Alec Lightwood, Worried Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2020-05-13 02:54:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19242376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandylee007/pseuds/Sandylee007
Summary: 3x16 ‘WHAT IF’What if Magnus woke up from falling ill because of Lorenzo’s magic unable to recognize Alec? The past few decades have been wiped from his memory, possibly permanently. Which means that he doesn’t remember a single thing of his relationship with Alec.Heartbroken, Alec struggles to help Magnus cope with having lost too much. Will he manage to obtain Magnus’ trust like he already did once, when the man he loves keeps him at arm’s length? Will they ever get back what they once had?MALEC





	1. Waking Up in a Strange New World

**Author's Note:**

> This question has been bugging me since I first saw the ending of 3x15. What if Magnus’... illness caused damage on his brain? Combine that with the fact that I’ve been itching to type an amnesia fic (I know, I know, just like everyone else, LOL), and ta-da! Here we are.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Noooope. I still own nothing. Nor do I make profit out of typing. If I did my bank-account would be at least a tiny bit fatter. (pouts)
> 
> WARNINGS: Mentions of past torture and abuse... Slow-building trust may make you want to tear off your hair... (Sorry...!) General weirdness... Language... Adult situations... (Sorry guys, you may have to wait for those for a bit, LOL.) Uh... Anyone still out there...?
> 
> Awkay, here we go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

The first thing Magnus became aware of was intense pain. His head was pounding horribly. He would’ve assumed that he’d been drinking heavily. (Well, much heavier than usual.) If it wasn’t for the dull throbbing all over his ribcage. It was like someone had brought a sledgehammer on his chest.

His magic... Something was wrong with that, too. It didn’t feel like his own. This twisted version of what was supposed to be an integral part of him stung like repeated jolts of electricity.

What... happened to him?

He must’ve made some sort of noise. Because suddenly a voice was calling out to him. “... hear me...?”

Through a great deal of blur he saw a young man’s face. Very, very beautiful face. Encouraged by the pleasant view, he struggled to focus but his head had different plans. It lolled the wrong way, leaving him facing a wall instead of the pretty stranger.

Which, perhaps, worked for his benefit. Because next there was a large and calloused but achingly gentle hand guiding his gaze to the correct direction. The tentative contact made him emit a sound of delight he might’ve been mortified by, if he was more coherent.

Now, he wasn’t a fan of people touching him without his permission but perhaps...

That was when his finally clear eyes saw the much (much, much) younger man (at least this one seemed above the age of eighteen...!) properly. The sheer relief on the stranger’s face made him feel curious things. “There you are”, the boy sighed, with the contentment of someone who had everything they needed in the world.

Sadly, Magnus barely heard any of that. Because he was finally able to concentrate enough to notice the Rune decorating the other’s neck. And he realized just how much trouble he might be in. He tensed up, forgot to breathe properly.

The last memory he had was of himself and Catarina facing off Circle members who were torturing a werewolf child. His memories cut off somewhere in the heat of the ensuing battle. Did they lose? Were they captured? “Where’s Catarina? What did you do to her?”

For some incomprehensible reason seeing the way the Nephilim’s face fell and those tantalizingly captivating eyes filled with horror hurt. “What? Magnus...!”

“Are you one of Valentine’s men?” he interrupted, as much hostility as he could muster in his voice. He went on when that only sparked even deeper shock. “What do you want from us?” He was still alive, but in pain and clearly unwell for unknown causes. This stranger had been kind to him so far but he’d seen how cunning Valentine could be. How cruel the games the Circle played on Downworlders could get. At the sight of that Rune his first instinct was to find Catarina and escape with her.

If he’d been captured by the Circle, they made the stupid mistake of leaving him unbound. Magnus was just bracing himself for lashing out when Catarina’s familiar voice spoke. “Alec, would you step outside for a moment?”

The young Shadowhunter, Alec apparently, reacted to the request like someone who’d been slapped. But obeyed after a stiff nod. The boy opened his mouth several times but nothing came out. And marched out of the room with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Magnus couldn’t understand why he wanted to call the other back.

Then Catarina was standing in front of him. And at least something in the world finally made sense. Magnus inhaled an easy breath, his gaze scanning her for potential injuries or evidence of torture. “Are you alright?”

Catarina nodded oddly carefully for someone who seemed to be perfectly fine. “Of course I am. These people we’re with... They’re friendly.” She frowned. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

/

Alec felt like he was stuck in a nightmare. First he had Magnus collapsing and dying in his arms. Then he heard that the only way to save his beloved was to take away the magic he bought in despair. Now... this.

The way Magnus looked at him, what the man he loved said... The warlock had no idea who he was. As far as his boyfriend was concerned, he might be working for the enemy.

His chaotic thoughts were cut by Lorenzo Rey. “I’m most likely the last person you want sympathy from, but... I am sorry. Even Bane doesn’t deserve this.”

Alec shook his head sharply, refusing to look at the older man. He didn’t want sympathy from the one who started this whole mess by refusing to help Magnus save Jace. From a man he had to beg to save a fellow warlock’s life. “Don’t. Just... Don’t.” _You may even mean well, but if you say another word I may punch you in the face._

Fortunately that was when Catarina emerged. The look on her face made a tight knot squeeze around Alec’s stomach. “Why is he so confused?” the archer demanded immediately.

Catarina took a deep breath. “Magnus stopped breathing for quite some time. I’ll have to do some more tests, but... That most likely caused some damage on his brain.” She held a pause to let him take in the information so far. “Magnus seems to have forgotten everything from the past roughly three decades.”

It took all Alec had not to break down when what she was saying finally hit home. He swallowed thickly, hating how his eyes stung. (He’d already done far too much crying that day...!) “But... He’ll regain those memories when he recovers. Right?” Even the thought of Magnus never remembering him, them... Of the one he loved more than anyone forgetting everything they’d shared together, permanently...

Catarina’s facial expression morphed into one of sorrow. She sighed heavily. “I don’t know.”

/

The knowledge that he was at the Institute’s infirmary, surrounded by countless of Shadowhunters who couldn’t be trusted while he was at his most vulnerable, made Magnus feel claustrophobic. He didn’t care if Catarina told him that it was for the best to spend a night there, for the sake of his recovery. He needed to get out.

He just hoped that his friend would forgive his idiocy, like she usually did.

Magnus shuddered at the sight of his current wardrobe. The snap of fingers was instinctive, came as easily as breathing. Afterwards he groaned and pressed a hand against his temple hard enough to leave finger marks when his headache escalated. It was like his skull had been cracking open.

Panting through the fresh wave of agony, Magnus gritted his teeth and forced his unsteady body to motion. Despite being far from his best physical condition, he was swift, soundless and graceful. (A couple of past lovers had pet-named him ‘kitten’. Before the sight of his unglamoured eyes proved to be too much feline resemblance. He gave up on hoping that someone might like them long ago.)

On his way out he caught Catarina’s voice and froze. “... confused ...” She was talking to Alec, and to a man he couldn’t recognize. “... don’t know how to convince him to give up his magic ...”

The betrayal... It cut like a knife. Magnus’ ears rang painfully while he struggled to process what he just heard.

Why... would Catarina want to take away his magic? Were these Valentine’s people, after all? Was taking away his powers something she was forced to do? (She didn’t seem to be forced into cooperation, if the white coat she wore was any indication.) Then again, there was clearly something wrong with his magic. Was that why? Magnus couldn’t find the presence of mind to process her motives and loyalties further. Being in the building with decades of memories missing and the possibility of ending up without his powers... It sent him reeling, especially with how emotionally off balance he’d already been. And his head was killing him.

Magnus wanted to go home. But he had no clue where that was, these days, and even in his current state he understood that portaling without knowing where to aim was a bad idea. So he decided on the only place of refuge that felt safe enough.

On the way out he heard two voices, a man and a woman, calling out to him. He didn’t pause to ask what they wanted. He hastened his steps as much as he could when one of them moved to follow him, demanded him to stop. Why should he do that when almost everyone he passed by stared at him with mistrust and something close to resentment?

He’d stop as soon as he was safe.

Getting out of the building, to the fresh air outside, felt ridiculously good. Magnus didn’t have any time to rejoice. Because his pursuer was relentless.

“Magnus, stop!” The voice held fear and concern. “We need to get you back to the infirmary. You’re not well, and you’re not thinking clearly...”

Magnus was officially done with Shadowhunters. As quickly as he could he created a portal, then dove through. Soon he wondered if he made a mistake.

The pain such use of magic brought him... It made black spots dance in his line of vision and he gasped, would’ve clutched at his head if he was able to move at all. Forever seemed to pass before the worst of it was over. That was when he noticed something warm and sticky under his nose. He brushed it with his finger and shuddered at the sight of blood.

What did those people do to him...?

He decided to think about Nephilim at a later time, when he was able to think straight. The need to lay down and just rest was almost overwhelming, and he saw a familiar house. Using all his stubbornness to push through pain, dizziness, the ringing of his ears and exhaustion, he pulled himself up from the ground and started walking.

A few steps later dread spiked when a troubling thought occurred to him. Where were the familiar, over-dramatic wards? “Ragnor?” he called out. “If you’ve set up some kind of a trap for your amusement, now’s not the time.”

There was no trap. Instead he faced something far, far more horrible. Magnus had almost reached the house when his knees nearly gave out from what he discovered. He shook his head slowly, a hateful searing sensation taking over his eyes. “No...”

He didn’t exactly want to go closer. But he needed to, because a tiny part of him was still hoping that he might be wrong. Slowly and with a ridiculous amount of effort he trekked to a grave. The tombstone was fancily decorated, just his friend’s style. All Magnus could see was the name on it.

‘ _Ragnor Fell_ ’

The shockwave from the loss was more than Magnus could take. He slumped to his knees, and a single tear rolled while he stared at the stone, barely comprehending what he was seeing. He wanted to run away, but where was he supposed to go when nothing made sense to him anymore? It didn’t feel like he had any energy left for running, anyway.

So Magnus sat there in front of his oldest friend’s grave with a constantly worsening headache, trying to will the world to stop spinning and crashing down.


	2. Shattering Blows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus is found. But it's only the beginning of a horribly painful fight. Dealt with an emotional blow after another, Magnus' mind begins to spiral towards dark places.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was supposed to go to bed hours ago but my inner muses wanted to wrap this chapter up first. (chuckles) So, here we are. Yay?
> 
> THANK YOU, a million times, for all the comments, listings and love! You have no idea how much they mean to me. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay... Stalling is rude, so let’s go! I really hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

To say that Catarina was worried and frustrated would’ve been a laughable understatement. If Magnus managed to use a portal despite his confusion he could be anywhere. Hopefully not stuck in a limbo or something even worse. Using the magic bought from Lorenzo already almost killed Magnus once. What if...?

A loud crash snapped her back from her thoughts.

A chair had flown all the way across the room and hit a wall. Alec stood roughly where the item originally was, pacing like a caged tiger. The Shadowhunter’s hair was a mess from how many times he’d ran a restless hand through the locks. Tears the young man refused to shed shone in his pained eyes. Then he was doing something that seemed painful with his hands, possibly without even noticing it himself.

Catarina felt a slash of sympathy. “Stop that. Hurting yourself isn’t going to help”, she ordered gently. She gave him a few moments to pull himself together. “Alec, we’ll find him. And we’ll support him through this.”

Alec’s jawline tightened. “Magnus has no idea who I am. How am I supposed to help him when he can’t stand the sight of me?”

“Do you want to give up on him?”

He blunt question brought Alec’s spiraling thoughts to a screeching halt. He looked at her with insult in his eyes. “Of course I don’t.”

“Then don’t. From the start your relationship’s been all about achieving the impossible.” She gave the distraught Shadowhunter’s shoulder a supportive squeeze. “It’s going to be rough, and he won’t make it easy. But we’ll make sure that he knows he isn’t alone.”

“Damned right we will”, Izzy’s voice affirmed from behind them. Firm and stubborn. “But first we have to find him.”

Turning, they saw Izzy, Jace, Clary and Simon walking towards them. Alec frowned. If one looked closely enough, it was just possible to see how confused and touched he was. “I thought there was something you guys wanted to investigate, to see if you can break the bond between Clary and Jonathan.”

Clary sighed heavily. She appeared drained, pained and utterly exhausted under the weight of the constant battle against inner darkness. “The bond will still be there in a few hours.” (Catarina was merciful enough to not point out that this mess wouldn’t be sorted in that short time.) “Right now Magnus needs us.”

“And so do you. Besides, how am I supposed to focus on anything else when I can tell how sad and terrified you are?” Jace patted his parabatai’s shoulder. Their bond, still recovering from the whole mess with Lilith and the Owl, thrummed joyously. “We’ll bring him back home, wherever he is.”

Catarina watched the group interacting. Each of them more stubborn than the last. She hoped that they were just the support-system Alec and especially Magnus needed. Those thoughts and the tender moment were interrupted by the arrival of a fire message.

Catarina read through the few words, written in Magnus’ familiar handwriting. And swore under her breath. “I’m such a fool! I should’ve known...”

Alec was instantly on alert. A true Shadowhunter bracing himself for a mission. “Is that from Magnus?”

Catarina sighed heavily. “Yes.” She showed the message to the others. “I know where he is.”

Jace and Clary blanched, guilt flashing in their eyes.

‘ _Ragnor is dead._ ’

/

Magnus couldn’t seem to stop shaking. And his head... The pain was so bad that he was barely able to think through it. He wanted to scream and cry but couldn’t find the strength and will for that.

He swallowed thickly upon hearing familiar steps. “How did he die?” His voice was hoarse and nearly inaudible. Hollow.

Catarina sighed heavily and sat beside him slowly. “It was a demon attack.” Her tone revealed how much the loss still ached her, too. “He didn’t suffer long.” That, at least, was some comfort.

Magnus nodded. A bitter taste lingered his mouth. He suspected that it’d be there for a long time. “Was he alone?”

“No.” Catarina hesitated. “You were with him, until his final moment. And ensured that he was laid to rest respectfully.”

Magnus shivered. (And continued to tremble from inexplainable cold.) Apparently there were things he was happy to not remember, then. Funny, that.

He tensed up when Catarina’s hand started to reach out towards his. Of course she noticed and frowned. “Magnus?”

He clenched his jaw. And just blurted it out. “Why are you planning on taking away my magic?”

Catarina stared at him in a shock for a few moments. Deep sadness filled her eyes. “Because the magic in you... It’s not your own. I’m sure that you can feel it.” (Of course he did. It was wrong, ill-fitting, instead of being a part of him.) “You... gave up yours to save someone important. And living without it proved to be even more painful than you’d anticipated, unbearable. So you bought someone else’s powers.”

“And now my body’s rejecting it.” That made sense. Magnus had lived long enough to have seen rejection like this before, to know the risks. Apparently he’d decided that possibly dying was better than living without his magic. Than living without what made him who he was, what connected him to the world around him. Now he was expected to face that again. “Who did I buy it from?” he deflected, realizing where the conversation was going.

Catarina seemed reluctant to answer. “Lorenzo Rey.” There was an edge of hostility to her voice.

Magnus frowned. That man he saw briefly upon leaving the Institute... He should’ve recognized him immediately, but his head was so fuzzy... “What is he doing in New York?” He demanded more fiercely when the look on his friend’s face revealed that she’d given away too much. “Catarina?”

She took a deep breath and gave him an apologetic look. “Lorenzo... is the new High Warlock of Brooklyn.”

Magnus’ stomach dropped and for a few seconds he feared that he’d be sick. One of his last clear memories was taking that very post. Apparently he messed up that, too. “Oh”, was all he managed, eyes on Ragnor’s grave although it made him feel even worse.

So one of his two best friends was gone. He’d screwed up somehow and lost his job. (He wondered if he was ever any good at it, anyway, if he was any good for anyone.) He gave up his magic. He failed at mundane life, too. And now he was being torn apart from the inside because something he purchased from a man he knew despised him failed to adjust into his body.

In the few decades he couldn’t remember his life had turned into a bad, sick joke.

No longer holding back, Catarina took his hand and squeezed it tightly, desperately. “It’s unfair that you’re getting all this dumped on you. But you’ll make it through this, I promise.” She grimaced with genuine remorse. “First, though... Lorenzo’s magic will have to go.” Her grip on his hand didn’t loosen because she knew how much she was asking of him. Yet even with her touch – the only familiar thing he had left – he felt like was drowning.

Magnus shook his head. Ignoring the fact that it made the throbbing intensify. “No. I can’t...!”

“Yes, you can”, she argued firmly. Sounding far too close to tears. “Because I’m not letting you give up, you great idiot.” Her eyes softened. “You have a lot of people in your life who don’t want to give up on you. I wish you could remember it.”

Magnus did his best to find some consolation from that. Only, with that hope came dread. “Such people who will stay by my side, even if I become a mundane? Even if can’t be useful to them anymore?” Plenty of people had tossed him aside like garbage and walked away from him for less.

“Yes!” After the borderline outburst Catarina hesitated for the longest time. “I... I wish that you’d remember what a special thing you’ve found. Because if you did... You’d do everything in your power to fight for it.”

Those words caused a reaction Magnus couldn’t understand. His head throbbed before. Now it was on fire. He hissed and clasped a hand tightly against his temple, feeling like something had been attempting to drill through his skull.

Magnus fought back the unbearable agony with all his might. Which was why he never noticed that his nose was bleeding again, or that he was slumping towards the ground. Nor did he hear Catarina calling out his name. 

When consciousness left it was mercy.

/

Several different voices kept Magnus company while he was unconscious. He didn’t know if they were real or not. Didn’t really care if they were real, either, because they were the only sources of warmth when he felt so cold that he could barely breathe.

“ _... hold on ..._ ”  
“ _... wake up soon ..._ ”  
“ _... miss you ..._ ”  
“ _... I’m sorry ..._ ”

One of those voices captivated his attention unlike the others. It was quiet and a little distorted, but there was no missing the fierce determination. He found his mind anchoring on it, because there wasn’t much else in the cold darkness to hold on to.

“ _Magnus, I love you. Magic or no magic. And I won’t lose you, I can’t._ ”

Even in his current, unfortunate condition where it was difficult to feel anything Magnus was baffled. The thought of someone loving him so deeply and sincerely... It got to him in a way he shouldn’t allow himself.

Magnus couldn’t possibly know that despite his unconscious state his hand tightened around Alec’s.

/

Alec didn’t mean to fall asleep. Because the love of his life might start bleeding again or have another seizure. And because the warlock waking up to a Shadowhunter he couldn’t remember sleeping on him didn’t sound like a good idea. But after several sleepless nights – after all the stress, fear and heartache – exhaustion took down the archer.

Waking up like that... His head resting against Magnus, feeling his beloved’s warm body... It was the most natural thing in the world. Still half-asleep, Alec smiled. Until he noticed how tense the older man was.

So fast that he almost fell from the chair he straightened himself and looked up. To face eyes that were almost as wide as his. And unreadable. Alec cleared his throat, which did nothing to chase away the lump there. “I’m so sorry about that”, he sputtered. He didn’t even try to explain himself, because what could he have offered?

“It’s... fine.” By then Magnus was pushing himself to a sitting position. Stubborn as ever.

Alec hoovered uncertainly, desperate to support his beloved but not knowing how. There seemed to be a brick wall between them, despite his hand being less than an inch from touching. “Take it easy. You’ve been very sick...”

“I’m fine.” Which, of course, was ridiculously far from the truth. Magnus’ gaze roamed around. “Are we still at Ragnor’s house?”

Alec nodded. “Yeah. You... weren’t exactly stable enough to be transferred, so...” The other’s almost palpable grief at the familiar surroundings tore at him, too. “Magnus, I’m so sorry...”

“You apologize a lot.” It sounded like an endearment, rather than an insult. Magnus watched him curiously, his expression still guarded. “You seem... different, from the other Nephilim I’ve met.” (The younger man suspected grimly that not many of his kind apologized to Downworlders back in the time Magnus remembered.)

Alec shrugged. “I am different. The whole world is different.” He wished that he could’ve told just how different, but didn’t think that the other man would’ve been able to handle the information.

It seemed like he’d still said too much. Suddenly Alec remembered how Magnus told him that he’d unlocked something in the warlock, pried his heart open. Because it snapped closed and locked right in front of his eyes. The older man frowned in a manner that spoke of a headache and looked away, seeing something troubling that only existed to him.

Alec shifted from discomfort. He didn’t like the way his eyes stung. “You were supposed to be asleep for a few more hours. Catarina had to go to work, but I can send her a message...”

Magnus interrupted him with a shake of a head. “Thank you, but no. Lorenzo... Is he here?”

That wasn’t what Alec expected to hear. He blinked with surprise. “Downstairs.” With Jace, Izzy, Clary and Simon, but it didn’t feel like a good idea to mention that.

“Could you ask him to come over?” Magnus forced out each syllable with visible difficulty. The man still refused to look towards him. “To get it over with.” It didn’t have to be clarified what he meant.

Alec’s heart thudded from a horrible mixture of relief and agony. Seeing the one he loved more than anyone suffer so very much and being able to do so little about it was maddening. “Are you sure?” He couldn’t quite disguise how hopeful he was.

Magnus snorted. (The archer knew better than to imagine that the bitterness was aimed at him.) “No. But if I don’t do it right now... I don’t think I ever will.”

/

Lorenzo didn’t offer great many words while starting the grim process. Only cautioned him that it would hurt, and that it might be a good idea to sit down. For that courtesy Magnus was grateful.

It did hurt, a lot. (Magnus suspected that much like having a limb torn off without anesthesia.) That wasn’t the worst, he was used to physical pain. The worst... It was what came after.

The most horrible part was the emptiness. The gaping hole where the essence of who he was should’ve been. His grasp on the world around him breaking. Having his very self ripped from him... It hurt so much that Magnus expected it to kill him to the spot.

It didn’t, and he had no idea how to feel about that.

Lorenzo said something upon leaving the room. Magnus didn’t catch any of it. His whole body shook from shock and cold while he sat on the bed’s edge. Eventually staying still became impossible and he started to stagger towards where he hoped a toilet still was.

Little did Magnus know that very close, his shout when magic was taken from him made Clary burst into sobs. The eyes of Simon and Jace were also suspiciously moist while her boyfriend pulled her to a hug. Izzy wrapped her arms tightly around herself, far paler than usual, and took an instinctive step closer to Simon. At a hospital torturously far away Catarina’s thoughts kept wandering to her best friend while she did her best to help a patient in a critical condition.

And Alec... When Magnus had closed the toilet’s door the Shadowhunter stood behind it, eventually pressed a hand against it. Tears shining in his eyes.

Inside the tiny room, trapped into his personal hell, Magnus stared at his trembling hands. Which would never glow in a familiar way again. He then lifted his gaze towards a mirror, to find a makeup free face and unstyled hair he barely recognized.

Magnus stared, and stared. Trying to figure out what he was supposed to do with himself and his life now. He had no idea who and what he was anymore. All he knew was that he hated what he saw and felt.

Magnus could no longer lash out in the way that was natural to him so he used a fist instead. He shattered the mirror with a single swift blow. And felt twisted kind of satisfaction at the way glass slashed his skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daang... That must be SO PAINFUL for Magnus. (whimpers) Let’s hope that Alec and the others will manage to keep him hanging on!
> 
> Soooo... Thoughts? Comments? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! It ALWAYS makes my day.
> 
> Until next time! I really hope that you’ll all be there.
> 
> Take care!


	3. Lost and Lonely Souls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Magnus slides deeper and deeper into the darkness filling his head several people try to reach out for him. Especially Alec, who is desperate to save the man he loves and misses from the bottom of his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m SO SORRY that it took me this long to update! I was attacked by hostile plot-bunnies. (winces) BUT, I’m finally back! Yay?
> 
> THANK YOU, so much, for your comments, love and support! You made bringing this story back worth every bit of time and effort. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay... Are you ready for some angst? Because here we go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride and find it worth the wait.

Everyone’s eyes were on Lorenzo when he stomped to the room where most of the gang was gathered. They were surprised to notice a somewhat distraught expression on his face. The man had never been exactly Magnus’ fan. “Well”, Lorenzo practically spat through his teeth, with a visible shudder. “I don’t want to repeat that experience ever again.” Clearly taking away another warlock’s magic was a rattling experience. “Bane’s recovering. Now, I have a dinner reservation I’d loathe to be late for...”

“Lorenzo, wait.” Catarina inhaled a deep breath, bracing herself. “We're all grateful for what you’ve done for Magnus.”

Lorenzo’s eyebrow bounced up. He folded his arms in a confrontational manner. “I sense a ‘but’, there.”

Catarina clenched her jaw to keep her temper in check. Antagonizing the only person who could help wouldn’t do her best friend any good. “Magnus can’t stay here all alone forever. He needs a place where he feels safe to start healing properly. He needs his home.”

Lorenzo’s eyes darkened while he started to understand what she was trying to say. “Are you asking me to give him back the apartment? Because it belongs to me. I obtained it in a fair exchange.”

“Fair?” Izzy scoffed. “Let me guess. He came to you in his time of despair. And you decided that it was a good opportunity to steal his apartment.”

“Isabelle.” Catarina shook her head at the young Shadowhunter. She was thrilled that her friend had these people looking out for him. But picking up a fight like this wouldn’t help. She sighed and focused on the man glaring at the rest of them. “He’s...” Her voice broke. “He’s already lost everything else. I can't tell him that he's homeless.”

“And how, exactly, is that my problem to fix?” Lorenzo darted a far from friendly look towards Jace. “Magic is what defines us warlocks, what makes us who we are. And Bane gave up his like yesterday’s garbage for a Nephilim. The consequences are his to deal with.” At those words the blond stiffened and paled slightly from guilt.

“He gave up his magic because me. Because he loves me.” Alec had sneaked in without any of them noticing and startled them. His eyes were suspiciously red and moist. “And I... I let him, instead of begging him to give me time to figure out something else. It’s my fault that this happened to him. That his whole life fell apart. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”

“Alec...!” Izzy tried, but was ignored.

“Magnus, he... You know what he means to me. If... If you’ve ever loved anyone like that...” A tear, just one, slid down Alec’s cheek while the archer trailed off. “Please, help him. Just... Just this one more time. He’s suffered so much already. So please...! Let him go home.”

Catarina held her breath without noticing it while the two men stared at each other. Until something like a silent agreement clicked. “Fine”, Lorenzo snapped. “But don’t expect this to be a permanent solution.”

/

Magnus had never been the kind of a person who felt comfortable with staying still. At least one part of his body was always in motion. And so was his mind. But now, with the magic that helped him keep going gone... He froze. Mind, body and soul.

What did he have left to fight for? And... What was he supposed to do with himself and his life?

He had no job. No powers. No memories of the past few decades. Nowhere to go and nothing to start working on. Pretty much all the people he remembered caring about were gone. Except for one, who’d been too stubborn to leave, bless her soul.

“ _Magnus?_ ” Catarina’s voice managed to catch his attention, even if the closed bathroom door muffled it. “ _When you’re done there, I’m going to check up on you. Just to make sure that you’re physically alright. And then I’m going to portal you home._ ”

Magnus didn’t care much where he’d be taken. But home sounded like the most bearable option. Wherever it was.

“ _I get that you don’t feel like talking. But could you give me some kind of a sign that you’ve heard me? So I know that you’re alive in there._ ”

Magnus figured that he owed her as much for being a far better friend than he deserved. But he couldn’t find his voice. Slowly, surprised by how much the limb weighed, he lifted his hand. And knocked on the door softly, twice.

“ _Thank you._ ” Catarina sounded gentle and frustrated. As well as exhausted. (He hated the fact that he’d drained her so.) “ _Whenever you’re ready to come out, I’m here._ ”

Magnus knew that she meant well. But when he looked down, towards his hands that’d never light up with magic again... Took in the broken skin and the blood he hadn’t found the will to wash away... He wasn’t too sure _he_ was there, anymore.

Magnus had no idea how long he spent there, drowning in a sea of dark thoughts. Until another voice came through the door. “ _I know that you can’t remember me yet. But we... knew each other well, before..._ ” Alec trailed off. It took a considerable amount of time before the Shadowhunter managed to go on. “ _You told me what it’s like to live without magic. That it makes you feel like a stranger, like you’re no longer a part of the world around you. I may not understand, I can’t even imagine it, but... I need you to know that you’re not alone. And you’re not worthless._ ” Another long pause followed. “ _I know that it’s hard for you to trust Shadowhunters. But... You believed in me, once. Even though I’m far from perfect, even after I let you down too many times. Please, let me prove to you that I’m worth that trust._ ”

Magnus couldn’t decide which part was more shocking. That he’d apparently trusted a Nephilim with something so private and intimate. Or that he wanted to believe those words.

/

Alec waited for something, anything. In the end all he got was silence and his whole being slumped from defeat. He was already turning around to leave when the door opened and his heart jumped from hope. Then raced from horror.

There were bloodied shards of glass all over the floor. Magnus sat leaning against the wall, trembling in a way that had nothing to do with the room’s temperature. The man was alarmingly pale, which made the red staining his hands stand out. Magnus watched him warily, visibly bracing himself for any possible negative reaction. It hurt, that the man he loved looked at him with such wide-open suspicion.

Alec opened his mouth. Then thought better of it and didn’t even dare to call out for Catarina. If Magnus let him in like this, he couldn’t afford to ruin it by panicking or lashing out. Stemming down his temper forcibly, he approached deliberately slowly and helped the older man up against the sink as gently as he possibly could. In a silence, because words felt out of place, he began to wash blood away from Magnus’ trembling hands with all the love he felt.

Some tears rolled down Alec’s cheeks. It didn’t matter, because they clearly went unnoticed. Magnus’ eyes suggested that his mind was wandering somewhere far away. The archer hoped and prayed, from the bottom of his aching heart, that it wasn’t a place with no return from.

The silence lasted through the cleaning process. The whole time the treated man made no sound although it had to be painful. Once it was done Alec let go of Magnus’ hands reluctantly in order to search for bandages. It hurt him how quickly and eagerly the man with whom he’d shared a bed on more nights than he could count pulled away from him.

Fortunately Ragnor hadn’t relied solely on magic when it came to healing. After some rummaging Alec managed to locate disinfectant and bandages. It wasn’t until he started wrapping up his boyfriend’s injuries he realized how unsteady his own hands were. Somewhere in the back of his chaotic head Alec also wondered if he could still consider Magnus his boyfriend. If he’d ever have that right again. The thought brought some more moisture to his eyes and he cleared his throat. It didn’t erase the lump sitting there.

“All good”, Alec declared eventually and did his best to smile encouragingly. It felt all wrong. Especially when it enticed no response. (Magnus once said that he loved his smile, because it was so rarely seen and precious.) “Thank you, for letting me help.”

Magnus shrugged, not meeting his eyes. The man stared at his by then wrapped hands, as though wondering if they were his own. And an unpleasant possibility came to Alec’s head. What if Magnus only let him help because the man didn’t care what some Shadowhunter would do to him?

Alec didn’t ask. Didn’t dare to. Because he didn’t want to know for sure.

/

An hour later Magnus was alone. With first Alec and later Catarina having done their best for his hands they should’ve no longer throbbed, but the phantom sensations were there. No matter how many times he flexed his fingers they remained achy and cold. He couldn’t stop staring at them longingly, despite his best attempts. Familiar blue sparks didn’t appear.

Magnus wanted to smash something. But everything around him was Ragnor’s. Just things, material nonsense, but also everything he had left of his dear friend. Despite his current mental state he knew that he would’ve regretted breaking the precious mementos. And yes, he could easily picture Ragnor rolling his eyes at such ridiculousness. The man did tell him a few times that he was a sentimental old fool.

Ragnor would never tell him so again. His friend was gone. Just like his magic, his job, decades’ worth of memories and who knows how many more people he’d cared about.

Nothing in his life made sense anymore, but at least he only had a few decades of it left.

There was a knock on the room’s door. Magnus tensed up instinctively when a young man he couldn’t recognize peered in. Apparently he hadn’t been left alone, after all.

The arrival noticed his stiffness and tried to smile. “Uh... Hi. You... have no idea who I am, right? I’m Simon.” When those words didn’t have the desired calming impact Simon revealed a pair of vampire’s fangs.

Of course Magnus knew by his age that not all Downworlders could be trusted blindly. But Simon appeared far too innocent to harm even a fly without feeling guilty about it. That realization helped him relax ever so slightly.

Simon approached with some hesitation and sat beside him almost comically slowly. “I... guess you’d rather be alone. I just...” The young vampire shrugged. “You’ve helped me out a lot. I want to help you, too.”

Magnus didn’t know what to make of such support. And he definitely couldn’t bring himself to point out that Simon wouldn’t be able to offer the kind of help he needed. A surprisingly comfortable silence fell while he shifted his attention to a window and a pouring rain that’d started outside.

Simon swallowed hard, his gaze straying towards the faint traces of damage on Magnus’ hands. What the warlock once told him about a certain bridge in London and how close the world came to losing someone awesome came back to him. So he took his phone, started playing a stupid game and stayed. Determined to keep Magnus away from bridges, literal and metaphorical ones alike.

Simon had no idea how to accomplish that, though. Perhaps he succeeded in doing something right. Because at some point he could’ve sworn that he heard barely audible words. “Thank you.”

/

Alec and Catarina were the two people who remembered Magnus’ apartment best. That’s why they were the ones who took the task of making the loft look like Lorenzo was never there. Once they were done the place felt right in an inexplainable way. It felt like a home. At least to Alec, who couldn’t stop casting longing, pained looks towards every corner.

He saw the exact spot in the living room where they affirmed that they were an official couple. Their words still echoed in his head now. (... ‘... _relationships, they take effort_ ...’ ‘ ... _all for effort_ ...’)

He saw the balcony, where they sat exchanging languid, loving kisses, both at ease like all the horrors and monsters of the world didn’t exist.

He saw the bed where he and Magnus made love for the first time – and many, many more times afterwards.

He saw the empty space in the bathroom where his toothbrush used to be, as a tiny but clear sign that he belonged there.

He entered the kitchen to fill the fridge and saw himself giving his boyfriend a taster of his stew. His gaze wandered further, and soon he was assaulted by memories of the dinner they had with his mom. That day he somehow fell even more in love with Magnus. (Despite suspecting that the warlock messed with his stew.)

Every room was full of such precious memories of the only man he’d ever fall in love with. Memories Magnus might never get back. Alec might never get the man and what they had back. And the archer didn’t know how to handle it.

“Alec?” Catarina’s voice startled him. When he spun around to face her the warlock’s eyes filled with sorrow. “Oh, honey... Come here.”

It was until then Alec realized that at some point he’d started to cry. Under different circumstances he would’ve been mortified by someone seeing him at his most vulnerable. At the moment he was in too much pain to care. Or to pretend that he didn’t need a hug, desperately.

Feeling lost and in intense agony, Alec took a step forward. Catarina met it without a hint of hesitation and wrapped her arms around him. The Shadowhunter needed no further coaxing. He held on to her so tightly that it almost hurt and broke down to sobs of utter heartbreak.

/

Coming home... was a bizarre experience. Magnus looked around slowly. While great many items appeared familiar he didn’t feel like he was truly home. Because from the second he walked through the door the very air around him seemed to say ‘You can stay, for now, but don’t imagine that you belong here’.

Catarina had to go to work, so Alec offered to keep him company. A Shadowhunter wasn’t Magnus’ ideal babysitter, but he didn’t have it in him to fight the offer. Besides, his friend seemed comfortable with leaving him with the younger man, so that was enough for him.

The first thing Magnus did was take a shower. It was something that usually brought him pleasure and he hoped that it might help with how cold he felt. It didn’t. No matter how warm he made the water, he was still freezing. By the time he gave in his skin was raw from the heat.

Afterwards Magnus moved stiffly. It was like all the years he’d lived were catching up with his body. With slow, clumsy fingers he went through his collection of clothes, which was full of attires he couldn’t recognize. His frown deepened when he noticed a box that’d been hidden to the very corner.

Curious to a fault, Magnus opened the lid and blinked twice when he found a plain black top. It was slightly too big to be his own, and upon lifting it he discovered that it held another man’s scent. Why would he have hidden someone else’s shirt to his apartment?

_Oh...!_

Magnus’ frown deepened. He was too out of it to catch it at the time, but Catarina let slip that he’d been... close to someone, before... Well. Did the piece of clothing belong to that person? And did they break up, or did he lose them otherwise? Did he resort to something as pathetic as stealing a piece of fabric because he couldn’t have the real thing?

Trying to find answers that wouldn’t come made his head hurt. Operating on instinct, Magnus put on the mystery top. He didn’t care how ridiculous it was because the item’s touch and scent succeeded in something nothing else had. He felt marginally better.

Magnus had no idea how long he’d lingered deep in thought until there was a hesitant knock on the room’s door. A few moments later Alec peered in. (Magnus was too overwhelmed to notice the double-take the Shadowhunter did upon seeing what he was wearing. To see a cautious flicker of hope in the young man’s eyes.) “I heard mewing from the balcony, and found this.” With an incredible amount of tenderness Alec held out an adorable, tiny cat. “I think she was looking for you.”

“He”, Magnus corrected immediately. And wondered why he was so sure of the matter. At the sound of his voice the cat started to mew even more desperately.

Alec approached him and handed over the delicate cargo gently. The cat settled eagerly to Magnus’ lap and began to purr loudly. The Shadowhunter laughed. (Magnus, to his confusion, realized that he didn’t know which beautiful creature’s sound he liked more.) “Welcome home.”

To be honest, Magnus still didn’t feel like he was home. In the apartment or his own body. He started petting the cat, who accepted his display of affection eagerly. “Thank you, for bringing him here. And... For staying with me. It’s rare to find a Shadowhunter with such an open heart.”

He was so focused on the feline that he didn’t notice the impact his seemingly innocent words had on Alec. The young man cleared his throat. “If there’s anything else I can do... Just let me know.”

Magnus nodded. His mouth opened until he realized that he had no idea what he wanted to say. So he lay down instead. The cat curled up beside him, obviously sensing his need for comfort.

Magnus was so tantalizingly close and incredibly far away at the same time. Alec’s hand tingled as it lingered, desperate to touch the man he loved more than words could say. But in the end it withdrew. No matter how much Alec desired to hold the older man, it wasn’t something Magnus was ready for. Might never be again. And he had to respect that, no matter how much it hurt.

So Alec did the right thing, which was also the hardest thing to do. He left the room, and closed the door. Excluding the cat’s continued purring silence filled the apartment. Both men felt lost, adrift and lonely on the opposite sides of the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor darlings, especially Magnus! If only he knew just how important he is to Alec, with or without his magic. (whimpers)
> 
> Soooo... Was that ANY good, at all? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Every comment makes my day.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	4. What a Headache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Magnus struggles to adjust to his new life, something that promises to overwhelm him even further begins to stir. Alec also has a hard time trying to cope with their current reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating took longer than I’d hoped, again. (winces) BUT, here I am, at last! Yay?
> 
> THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, your comments, listings and support! It’s such a joy to come back for you. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay... Because I’ve already kept you waiting, let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

Magnus had far too much to process. The loss of a million memories, his powers and job were traumatic enough. For a few days Alec was so focused on those that he didn’t notice something until Catarina pointed it out.

Magnus refused to leave his apartment.

In the end Alec decided to take matters into his own hands. “There’s nothing in your fridge, and I doubt you’ve eaten since yesterday. So let’s go.”

Magnus didn’t seem happy to go. But the man also didn’t protest. Alec had a sinking feeling that it was because Magnus didn’t want to reveal how uncomfortable he was feeling.

They walked through the darkened city slowly. The whole time Alec had to fight the urge to hold Magnus’ hand like he usually did. To him it felt like any other date. To Magnus it was facing a new, terrifying world.

“Is everything alright?” Alec inquired at last, when the heavy silence started to get to him.

“Of course”, Magnus answered too quickly. The man went on after hesitation. “This city... It’s changed a lot. Before, there weren’t so many people and cars. And that hotel over there?” Magnus nodded to their right. “It was an Italian restaurant. Everywhere I look, I see ghosts of places that used to be here.” Those words were spoken with clearly audible melancholy. By a man who obviously felt like a ghost himself. “So much of what I know has disappeared.”

Alec couldn’t even imagine how terrifying and confusing it had to be. “I know that you feel like your whole world’s crumbling down.” _Because my own world is close enough to be touched yet unreachable._ “But... I was hoping to show you that not everything you know is gone.” He pointed forward, towards their destination. Which happened to be one of the oldest steakhouses in the city.

Magnus’ eyes widened. Finally, finally, there was a tiny spark of happiness in them. (No matter how short-lived it might be, to Alec it was a victory.) “That’s one of my favorite restaurants.” (Alec had to bite his tongue to not reveal that he knew. That it was where they had one of his favorite dates.) “How did you get a table?”

Alec swallowed thickly. “I... made a reservation a while ago.” Before this whole nightmare started. (Before all this heartbreak. It was supposed to be a special surprise to celebrate a silly little milestone in their relationship.) “I really want to go and I’d rather not do it alone, so...” He shrugged.

Magnus processed his words long and hard. “There seems to be a story behind that. Does it... involve a breakup?”

Alec was almost certain that being stabbed would’ve hurt less. “Not exactly.” He took a couple of deep breaths to fight back the moisture wanting to fill his eyes. “We just... got lost from each other.” How to explain without revealing too much?

Magnus nodded slowly. “I... know a little something about heartbreak. And I can see how much pain you’re in. I’m sorry that someone hurt you so badly.”

Alec had no idea if he wanted to laugh or cry at the irony. He swallowed against the bitter taste. “Sometimes life just doesn’t go the way you want it to.”

Magnus was frowning, still processing something. But just then their conversation was steered from a potentially dangerous path. Out of the blue a bike was approaching Magnus, a blink of an eye from colliding.

Alec operated on instinct, his reflexes lightning fast and on high alert. Just like once before, he grabbed Magnus gently but firmly, moving the man out of harm’s way. “Careful.”

“Thank you.” Magnus let go of his arm very slowly, as though reluctantly. Confusion and something else swam in his dark eyes. “I... suppose I wasn’t at my most observant.”

Alec wouldn’t have wanted to let go, either. Because in that moment he was the one who almost forgot, far too easily. It was like they’d stepped back in time.

/ _“... staring into the eyes of the man that I love ...”_ /

Alec had never been good with words. But with Magnus... Expressing what he wanted to felt natural and effortless. He was pulled back from those thoughts when he noticed that the older man was pinching the bridge of his nose. His stomach clenched. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Just a headache.” Which clearly wasn’t the only thing bothering Magnus. But there wouldn’t be any more opening up. Because the currently magicless warlock, who tried to smile valiantly, was overwhelmed already. “Nothing a good steak won’t fix.”

Alec's eyes softened. “In that case... Let’s go.”

While they approached the restaurant their hands lingered tantalizingly close to each other. Almost touching. Almost, but not quite. Just like the whole dinner, which ended with Alec walking Magnus home and them saying goodnight without kissing.

/

Getting used to mundane life... It was awful. Magnus had spent hundreds of years – which he actually could still remember – using magic for a million little things. Getting ready in the morning took ages because putting on makeup without his powers was a painfully tedious process. It didn’t help that all the products had changed dramatically since the decade after which his memory failed him.

One morning he swore under his breath in several languages while smudging his eyeliner for the fifth time. Seconds later, before he could even fix the mess, there was a knock on his door. Magnus’ hand twitched, instinctively intending to let his guest in with a snap of fingers. The weight on his shoulders grew a tiny bit heavier when the reality of things sunk in.

The cat Alec brought to him mewed miserably from his place in his lap, sensing his distress. Magnus sighed heavily and scratched the feline from behind an ear. “ _I’m sorry_ ”, he murmured in French. “ _I suppose I’m not very good company this morning._ ”

The cat mewed again in a protest when he picked up the animal gently and placed him to the floor before heading to the door. He tensed up upon finding a Shadowhunter. “Is there... something I can do for you?” If the woman came for his services, he’d have to disappoint her.

She smiled and there was more than a hint of sadness behind it. “Actually... I came to see if there’s something I can do for you.” She went on when he let her in hesitantly. “I’m Izzy Lightwood. Or, well, you always insist to call me Isabelle.”

Oh, yes. He remembered vaguely hearing Alec calling his sister during the Shadowhunter’s stay at his apartment. He did see certain family semblance. And her name was on the list of reliable people Catarina gave him. He did his best to smile and relax, to remind himself that not every Nephilim was a threat. “Pardon my manners. Sit down, make yourself comfortable. A drink?”

A frown appeared to Izzy’s face. “It’s... ten in the morning.” Her eyes darted towards the mostly empty bottle he’d been approaching and one elegant eyebrow bounced up for a second. “And it looks like you could use a break from liquids.” She glanced towards his mostly bare face, and he stiffened when self-consciousness set in. “How about I try to fix your makeup instead?”

Magnus took a seat and observed warily while she picked up everything she needed. He wasn’t used to people... caring for him. “You don’t have to...”

“I insist.” Izzy held up the eyeliner he cursed earlier like he’d seen great many artists handle their favorite paintbrush. “When it comes to makeup, I’m Picasso. So close your eyes and hold still.”

A surprisingly comfortable silence fell while Izzy worked diligently. Trusting her enough to keep his eyes closed was a challenge, but her gentle ministrations soothed his fried nerves. Based on a loud purring sound coming from somewhere nearby, his cat was also perfectly at ease.

“All done. Now open your eyes, so I can apply mascara.” Izzy grinned good-naturedly when he complied. “Good boy.”

One corner of Magnus’ lips twitched. “I... don’t know why you’re helping me. But... I appreciate it.” 

For a moment Izzy’s expression turned into something more solemn. “You’ve done so much for people I care about. And for me. You’ve helped save all my three brothers’ lives, in more ways than one.” Her eyes strayed momentarily towards the almost empty bottle. “You supported me when I was going through a... rough time. I want to try doing the same for you now. But only if you want to let me.”

It was a difficult question. “I’m... not very good at accepting help, or so I’ve been told.” And honestly, he didn’t know if anything she could do would help.

Izzy shrugged. “And I’m not very good at helping people. But I’d like to try.” She withdrew the mascara with a satisfied sound. “All done.”

Magnus knew that he was stalling having to answer her earlier question. Moving slowly, he turned to face the mirror. He blinked twice upon facing eyes that’d been done to the same level of perfection he once achieved with magic.

Magnus was far from being himself, he still felt detached from the world around him. But for the first time since waking up to a new horrible reality he recognized his mirror image. Perhaps it wasn’t much, but in his current state of mind he welcomed even the slightest twitch to a positive direction. “Well, Picasso... I can think of one thing you can help me with. I could use a few lessons.”

Izzy smiled. She appeared heartwarmingly proud of herself. (Because she noticed something he didn’t. For the first time since she came in his hands weren’t shaking.) “It’s a deal.”

/

Alec and Magnus hadn’t exactly been in a relationship for years. But long enough for Alec to grow used to falling asleep with someone in his arms. Enough so for him to face a problem when he couldn’t share a bed with the man he loved.

No matter how exhausted he was, Alec couldn’t sleep without the scent and touch of Magnus. Things were made even worse by the fact that every time he dozed off, he had nightmares. Of Magnus collapsing to his arms, bleeding. Convulsing. Dying.

In the dark, desolate hours of the night Alec missed Magnus so much that it hurt. He knew that he’d have to do something before the longing and lack of sleep would drive him insane. Finally, while he tossed and turned yet again, something occurred to him. He remembered having seen Magnus wearing his shirt not too long ago.

Desperate for some proper rest, Alec hauled his body out of the bed. Which was a challenge, considering how tense and sore he was from all the training he did in hopes of blowing off steam. A tiny but victorious smile appeared to his face when he found one of Magnus’ shirts.

Alec held the garment to his chest, against his heart, like it was a treasure. By the time he curled up on his bed his eyelids were already drooping heavily. He let them close. Because that way he could imagine that he was holding his boyfriend instead of a piece of fabric. “Goodnight”, he mumbled. Like he always did right before they fell asleep. “’love you.”

In a manner of minutes Alec was sleeping soundly, a serene expression on his face and both hands clutching at the shirt so tightly that his knuckles turned white.

/

Considering how lonely Magnus felt, his life became disconcertingly overrun by people. Catarina, Simon, Alec and Izzy seemed to take turns in keeping him company. Like he was someone who needed a babysitter. He trusted the two Shadowhunters far more than he should’ve. But having them around as much as they were was nonetheless overwhelming. Especially when he felt pathetic and vulnerable.

Catarina noticed, of course. And one day she brought along someone she most likely hoped to be the pleasant kind of a distraction. The young warlock girl’s eyes lit up when she saw him. “Magnus!” she exclaimed joyously and catapulted herself to his arms. “I’ve missed you!”

“Madzie, do you remember what we talked about?” There was a faint hint of alarm in Catarina’s tone. “Magnus has been ill, and his memory isn’t working right.”

Madzie didn't seem to listen. For the child just having him there was enough. She latched onto him and held on tight. And Magnus found himself holding back, her heartfelt affection disarming him. “You haven’t forgotten me, right?”

That... hurt. Magnus sighed heavily. “I’m sorry, sweet pea.” He held her a little tighter to make up for the disappointment. “I wish that I remembered someone as special as you.”

Madzie shrugged. “It’s okay.” Of course it wasn’t. “I’ll help you remember. Then we can play Sharks and Minnows with Alec again.” Mentioning the name made her perk up and she looked around. “Where’s Alec? I’ve missed him, too.”

Catarina tensed up. “He’s... not here right now.”

Madzie pursed her lips. “Can we call him?” The child glanced towards him. “You look sad. Alec always makes you happier when you’re sad.”

“Madzie...!”

“You know what?” Magnus interrupted her friend. The little girl's innocent words suggested that they’d spent a lot of time with Alec at some point. He wasn’t brave enough to ask about it, because the answer would’ve been too much when he was barely holding it together. “If you want to... We can call Alexander. See if he’s not busy.”

The way Madzie’s face lit up said that he made the right decision, or so he hoped.

While Catarina made the call Magnus and Madzie entertained each other with a dance routine she’d learned from TV. Alec wasn’t only available, but arrived in less than forty minutes with a bag of groceries. The Shadowhunter gave the little warlock a radiant grin. “I did some shopping for a very special girl.” The man opened his arms and Madzie ran right into them without a second of hesitation.

“Alec!”

“My favorite little sorceress!”

While the two focused on each other, Catarina whispered to him. “I was hoping that she’d cheer you up. But if this is too much...”

Magnus shook his head. “It’s... It’s fine. I just...” He gave his friend a look. “Being a mom suits you.”

Catarina kissed his cheek spontaneously. “Now, let’s go to those two before they head to the kitchen. Alec can’t be trusted there alone, especially with a child.”

While they went Magnus found himself sneaking glances towards where Madzie was babbling excitedly and Alec smiled at her. With everything that was horribly wrong in his life that sight... It felt right, in ways he couldn’t understand. It made things he hadn’t faced in a very long time almost stir to life.

The way Madzie was sneaking not exactly subtle glances at him and Alec while they cooked confused him even further. It almost looked like she was expecting to find something. Whatever that something was, she was clearly sad about it being missing.

The most terrifying part, however, was that he wasn’t wary in her presence. Being around the child... felt natural. Like they’d done this a million times before.

Of course Catarina wasn’t blind enough to miss where his attention was straying. She grinned knowingly before whispering to him. “They’re adorable, aren’t they?”

Magnus barely heard her. Because without any warning his head started to pound like someone was trying to plunge a knife through it. And a distorted voice echoed in his skull.

/ _“... one hell of a dad ...”_ /

Then, just as suddenly as it surged, the agony was gone. Along with the unrecognizable voice. Like a switch had been flicked.

“Magnus?” Catarina frowned at him. All playfulness from before was gone. “What was that?”

Magnus shook his head. He still pinched the bridge of his nose in fear that the pain would come back. “I... don’t know.” Whatever it was, he didn’t like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ouch! (winces) Let’s hope that those headaches stop soon. Or that they’ll at least start to lead to honest memories. And oh, Alec...! We feel for you, sweetheart.
> 
> Sooo... How was that? Any good, at all? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! It ALWAYS means the world to me.
> 
> Until next time, folks! I REALLY hope that you’ll stick around for that one.
> 
> Take care!


	5. Who Are You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A surprise sleepover brings forward things that pain Alec and confuse Magnus even further. How will the two feel in the light of a new morning?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should’ve gone to bed HOURS ago. But here I am. (smirks sheepishly)
> 
> THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for your ABSOLUTELY AMAZING comments, love and support! You can’t even imagine how much you inspire me. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, folks. Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

“These headaches... They’re not anything dangerous, right?” The loving concern in Alec’s voice tugged at Catarina’s heart. If only she was able to help Magnus remember...!

Catarina had to admit that she was a little worried as well. Especially after Magnus didn’t fight back when she suggested that they should tell the Shadowhunter what was going on. “Most likely not. After the damage the rejected magic donation did, I suppose headaches are to be expected.” She lowered her hand and its glow faded. “But I wish that I knew these... episodes were happening sooner. This is something we need to keep an eye on.”

Magnus huffed and shifted from discomfort. (Catarina wondered if her friend noticed that his hand twitched towards where Alec’s restless one lingered. Aching to hold.) “I’m fine”, the man insisted with a bittersweetly familiar stubbornness. “I just need some rest.”

Catarina nodded slowly, frustrated but knowing that pushing harder would’ve only made things worse. “You know what?” She glanced towards where Madzie was playing with Magnus’ cat. “Madzie’s really missed you two. How would you feel if she spent the night here? I’ll pick her up and do a checkup on that head of yours in the morning.”

Joy and excitement sparkled in Alec’s eyes. Magnus was far more hesitant. “Are you sure that it’s a good idea? I barely know her, and I don’t have my magic...”

“Hey.” Alec’s hand moved towards the older man but stopped on the last moment. “You’ve babysat her without your magic before.” Both the archer and Catarina did their best to not think about Iris’ unwanted visit. “And haven’t you noticed how she adores you? You’ll do great. Besides...” The Shadowhunter shrugged. “You won’t be doing it alone.”

Magnus looked at the younger man with surprise, curiosity, confusion and something unreadable. Catarina could practically feel how badly the man would’ve wanted to ask something. The thought of watching over a small, vulnerable warlock child with a Nephilim had to be troubling. Especially with Magnus’ history.

Her best friend was tense and very obviously had no idea what to say. Madzie made the decision for the adults. “Can Alec and I stay? Please?” The child seemed so hopeful that only a monster could’ve refused her. “We don’t have to play if you’re tired. We could watch ‘Frozen’. Elsa is my favorite because she has powers, too.” Catarina understood why that was a big deal for the little girl. She was only just learning to control her magic and took in every imaginable role model like a sponge.

And so the warlock ladies went to fetch an overnight bag. It wasn’t until they were at their own home Madzie trusted Catarina with a secret. “I’ve missed them, but they miss each other, too. I can tell. Maybe it helps if they spend time together.”

For the about a millionth time Catarina was amazed by her girl.

/

The three of them ended up falling asleep on the couch, Madzie snuggled safely and comfortably between the two men. At some point of the night Alec woke up to the little girl clutching at his shirt and Magnus’ head leaning against his shoulder. The small, contented smile on his beloved’s lips tempted him to wonder what the man was dreaming about. For the first time since the whole nightmare began Magnus was completely unguarded in front of him. It was like fate was giving Alec a gift and playing a cruel trick on him all at once.

Alec’s mind was a merciless thing. Because it tormented him with a memory of how they once talked about starting a family. The possibility that such a future might be lost forever... That he might’ve had a taste of everything he’d ever dreamt of, just to lose it all... It hurt so much that Alec could barely stand it.

The archer didn’t realize that the small and incredibly pained, keening sound came from him until Magnus’ eyes fluttered open. The man’s brows furrowed from concern and confusion. “Alec? What is it?”

Alec shook his head and opened his mouth to assure that he was fine, but he found himself unable to utter such a blatant lie. How was he supposed to reveal that he was in a world of agony because Magnus couldn’t remember him? How painful it was to be around the man he loved? He couldn’t breathe, nor could he stop the tears filling his eyes.

He was supposed to help Magnus, not burden him with his own sorrows!

Magnus moved slowly and heartbreakingly hesitantly. Cautious to not rouse Madzie and wary of him. But eventually a pair of arms wrapped him into a tender embrace. And whatever hope Alec might’ve had to stay in control over himself vaporized.

Magnus held him as he cried quietly, every sob coming from the bottom of his shattered heart. Eventually there were no tears left, or perhaps Alec was too exhausted to continue weeping. He still didn’t manage to let go of the smaller man, though, no matter how hard he told himself that he had to. That he was making them both feel even more uncomfortable.

To both their surprise, he suspected, a lot of Magnus’ tension eased while the embrace prolonged. “You really needed that, didn’t you?” The man went on at his nod. “One of those days?”

Alec unleashed a shuddering sigh. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to...”

“It’s alright.” Magnus sounded as tired as he felt. Neither of them had been sleeping much lately. “I’m not good for much anymore, but... At least I can still offer a hug.” It didn’t come out as jokingly as it was supposed to.

Alec wished, dearly, that he would’ve been able to help. He rubbed at his face, sleep already reaching out for him. “I’ll take Madzie to the guest room.” Because he needed to do something, anything. He tried to offer Magnus a smile. “Maybe we’ll both feel better in the morning.”

“Yes.” Magnus’ voice was achingly small and detached. “Maybe.”

/

While Alec began to pick up Madzie Magnus stared at his hands. They felt cold, just like his whole body. It took all his willpower to not reach out for his nonexistent magic. It would’ve only made him feel worse.

In his dreams he was whole, and waking up got harder every day.

“Shh...” Alec’s voice shook him out of those dark thoughts. “Go back to sleep. It’s not morning yet.”

In Alec’s arms Madzie stirred briefly. But settled down once more almost immediately. Trusting the Shadowhunter entirely.

Magnus had seen the duo’s interaction earlier. And he saw the way Alec held the child in that very moment. The Nephilim he’d encountered before... hadn’t been exactly nurturing. Especially towards Downworlders. And they most definitely hadn’t let him see them at their most vulnerable. Alec was obviously different, because what he’d seen that day wasn’t an act.

Alec made Magnus question a whole lot of things – and he had no idea how to handle it on top of everything else.

“Magnus?” It sounded like Alec had been calling out to him for a while already. “Are you... okay? You looked like you were in a world of your own.”

“In need of a good night’s sleep, is all.” Magnus decided that it was time to deflect the conversation elsewhere. “You’re amazing with children.”

Clearly his praise pleased Alec. The younger man’s eyes sparkled. “You think so?”

Magnus nodded, disarmed against his will by the other’s innocent happiness. “I never offer empty compliments.” Based on the young man’s reaction, he deserved to hear compliments more often. “One day some Shadowhunter girl will be lucky to have you.” Those words, apparently, were the wrong thing to say. He frowned when his companion looked away and deflated visibly. “I’m... sorry if I...”

“I’m gay.” Alec blurted it out so bluntly and suddenly that it made the man blush. The more was uttered, the deeper the color became. “I’m... I’m gay, so... I don’t think I’d make any girl happy.”

That... was a surprise. Both the words and the Shadowhunter sharing something so intimate with him. Catarina did tell him that these days people were far more open about their sexuality but the proof stunned Magnus for a moment. “Well, some handsome young man, then. There are several ways to create a family. One day you’ll find yours.”

He couldn’t quite understand the deep longing that filled Alec’s eyes, which were unable to hide anything or lie. “I really hope so.” The Nephilim yawned. It seemed like an attempt to disguise something. “It’s... pretty late. I should head to the Institute.”

“Nonsense.” What was he doing? They barely knew each other, all he had was a vague gut feeling...! “I can’t offer you a portal.” Which he said with far more bitterness than he’d intended. “And you look exhausted.” Among other things he was content to not think about... “Why don’t you spend the night? You can have my bed.” It wasn’t like he’d be able to do a whole lot of sleeping, anyway. For reasons that had nothing to do with his guest’s race.

It was easy to see the emotional conflict raging in Alec’s mind. But eventually the man nodded barely visibly. “Okay. But... Only if I take the couch.”

/

Alec didn’t expect to find any rest that night. But apparently he was even more tired than he imagined or the embarrassing crying fit had worn him down. Because he woke up to whispering and Madzie’s giggling. Both sounds seemed to come from the direction of the loft’s kitchen. He was about to push himself up when he noticed the quilt that’d appeared at some point of the night.

Did Magnus tuck him in? He’d done the same for the warlock great many times, when fatigue got the best of his boyfriend in the middle of spell book reading or potion preparations. The lovely memories delivered a slash of ache he supposed he’d have to get used to.

Feeling stiff and sore from the poorly slept night, Alec rubbed at his stinging eyes and sauntered to the kitchen. It seemed that Magnus and Madzie had just completed making breakfast. The child gave him a bright smile. “We made pancakes!”

Magnus’ smile was smaller and fond. “Apparently those are your favorite breakfast.” The man hesitated for a moment. “Would you... like to join us, or do you have to return to the Institute?”

Alec should’ve refused. Because he was already torturing himself. But how was he supposed to walk away?

Fate offered a solution. Before he could answer anything a fire message from Jace came through. There was something urgent concerning Jonathan.

“Duty calls?” Was Magnus relieved or disappointed that he was going to leave? It was infuriatingly hard to tell. “Go do your job, Shadowhunter.” It was said with the kind of warmth that held an echo of happier days.

/

While Madzie hugged Alec goodbye, upset that he didn’t get to have pancakes after all, Magnus’ head throbbed and whirred. Even though his memories were still missing, there was something disturbingly familiar about Alec and the way they were together. And he wouldn’t have had the kind of... urges he did towards just anyone. Madzie’s reactions to the Nephilim supported his nagging suspicions.

Magnus literally didn’t remember the previous time he would’ve been as happy to see Catarina as he was when she arrived at that exact moment. She greeted them both with a smile, and arched an eyebrow momentarily upon seeing the conflict in his eyes. “Did you guys have fun?”

“Uh huh!” Madzie’s whole being shone. “We fell asleep on the couch before Anna punched Hans, though.”

Catarina’s eyebrow rose even higher. Magnus spoke up before she could ask anything. “You were supposed to do that checkup today. And... there’s something I need to talk to you about.” Considering that nothing actually happened, the night before left him ridiculously confused. Maybe a chat with his friend would help him with at least one of the headaches in his life.

Catarina nodded. “I’ll drop Madzie off to a babysitter. I’ll be back soon.”

“With Rosé?” Magnus asked hopefully.

“It’s barely eight in the morning!”

Magnus gave her a look that hopefully communicated just how little he needed judgement at the moment.

Madzie’s hug certainly helped. “Bye, Magnus. I hope you feel better soon.”

Magnus sighed. “Thank you, sweet pea. I hope so, too.”

Catarina and Madzie had barely vanished before something echoed in Magnus’ skull yet again, poking and twisting like a blade.

/ _“See you later, alligator.”_  
 _“After a while, crocodile.”_ /

The headache was definitely getting out of hand. Groaning, Magnus forced himself to motion towards the bathroom. He hoped dearly that he’d find something to ease the throbbing. No matter how quickly Catarina might return, it felt like too long.

Magnus didn’t make it that far. His eyes, already growing hazy, swept towards the breakfast table. Instantly another stab-like flash struck him.

/ _“... like a child ...!”_ /

This voice wasn’t distorted. Despite all the agony he recognized it and his brows furrowed. “Alec...?”

Magnus shook his head, which turned out to be a terrible idea. He had to seek support from a wall when the pain was accompanied by dizziness. His gaze swept across the living room.

/ _“Magnus, tell me how to fix this.”_ /

Needing to try to get away from the constantly increasing headache, Magnus turned towards the apartment’s door. He wasn’t any luckier. Because almost instantly he was attacked by more razor-sharp audio flashbacks.

/ _“I’m just asking for a strand of hair. Let’s not be over-dramatic.”_ /

Magnus’ heart was beating unhealthily fast and he felt sick to his stomach. What were those bits and pieces all about? What happened between him and Alec?

/ _“... again you’re just blindly carrying out orders ...”_ /

What did Alec do? What did he do? Did he trust the Shadowhunter and regret it? Nothing made sense, his mind was confusing the Alec he saw the night before with something else...

By then Magnus couldn’t stay upright anymore, nor was he able to think. He slumped to his knees with a whimper. The final voice he heard was his own. While it was barely audible, it delivered a horrible blow.

/ _“Get out.”_ /

It was like a film had been cut and everything became dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... Crap. Trust Magnus to get flashes from the WORST bits of their early days. (groans) Poor dears! We’ll see how messy things get from here.
> 
> SOOOO... Thoughts? Comments? How bad do you feel for our boys? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Every comment means the world to me.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that you’ll join in then.
> 
> Take care!


	6. Two Emotional Messes in One Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Magnus recovers from his painful flashbacks both he and Alec go through a whirlwind of emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry about being a day late! I was EXHAUSTED yesterday and my brain was NOT up for any sort of typing. (smirks sheepishly)
> 
> THANK YOU, a million times, for your love, support, comments and listings! You have NO IDEA how much they mean to me. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay... Are you ready? Because here we go! Be prepared for some emotional chaos.

It'd been one of those endlessly long days. Which wasn’t helped by the fact that Alec was utterly exhausted and emotionally torn to shreds from the night he spent at Magnus’ apartment. He threw himself to his duties but his thoughts kept straying to the man he loved.

Because it wasn’t just Magnus’ loft that held memories. Coming to work that morning, he saw the spot where he confessed his love for the first time and heard the warlock say it back. All day long he kept crossing hallways where they argued, made up or just worked together. He would’ve gone to his favorite training room to blow off some steam but it was where they had their passionate little sparring session. Passing by the room where he once almost got married and they exchanged their first kiss – his first kiss – was a whole new world of ache. Being in his office was physically painful. Because that was where things went from heaven to hell in less than a minute. Where Magnus collapsed right after agreeing to move in with him. The only room in the building harder to be in was his own. Because with every second spent inside it he remembered, in intimate detail, how it felt to make love to Magnus in his bed. And he remembered the adoring look on his beloved’s face when he woke up the older man with something as silly and simple as orange juice and flowers.

It had felt incredibly good, to be loved so much that it scared him. And now he might never get it back. Because he was so happy and in love that he failed to see how badly Magnus suffered without his magic before it was too late.

Perhaps the worst were the things he never got the chance to say and do. Because while he waited for Magnus to wake up at the infirmary, he decided that it was time to take the next step. To keep worry and guilt from driving him insane, he dreamed of how he’d pop the question while offering the Lightwood family ring. He also daydreamed of a dinner at the Institute’s balcony, with a sea of flowers around them. Alec even wondered if it was insane to consider getting married inside that very building. It would’ve been the perfect statement to the Clave that true love conquered absolutely everything.

Or so he naively imagined at the time. ‘I love you’ were the last coherent words Magnus said to him before losing decades of memories. Would Alec ever hear those words from the man he loved again?

After his breakdown the night before Alec had no more tears left. He buried his face into his hands to avoid facing the spot on his office floor’s where Magnus convulsed before the man’s heart stopped. And he focused with all his might to keep breathing through the pain.

It was a relief that a knock on the door interrupted the hurricane blowing in his head. For a moment. Because the second he looked up to meet Izzy’s face he knew that something was wrong. And not just Jonathan’s hold on Clary growing stronger. “What’s going on?”

Izzy seemed incredibly apologetic despite none of the current chaos being her fault. She was also visibly worried. “I need you to stay calm, okay?” She went on quickly, knowing that stalling would only agitate him further. “Magnus was just brought to the infirmary.”

/

Magnus twitched restlessly while a blindingly bright light moved up and down above him. “Is this absolutely necessary? I’m not feeling dizzy anymore. Even the headache’s mostly gone.”

Catarina scoffed. “I found you unconscious and sporting the nosebleed of the century. Do you have any idea how badly you scared me? ‘Mostly gone’ isn’t good enough for me. Now hold still.”

As far as Catarina could tell, there was nothing wrong with Magnus’ brain. She spotted no bleeding or swelling, or something that wasn’t supposed to be there. She reported as much to her fidgety patient. “We’ll need to keep trying to figure out what’s causing those headaches, though.” They worried her, because she couldn’t quite convince herself that they were caused only by stress and returning memories. Seeing the other’s continued anxiety, she continued. “But something tells me that they're not the only thing bothering you.”

Magnus mused for a long while before voicing his thoughts. “I... think I remembered something. Things Alec said. And... How they made me feel. Angry... Disappointed... Betrayed...” His brows furrowed. “I know, on a level of reason, that he’s a good person. But I’m... confused.”

Catarina sighed. Trust him to remember the worst moments of his relationship with Alec... “I don’t know all details.” (Magnus had always preferred keeping the ‘dirty laundry’ of his relationships between himself and his partner.) “But I know this. Alec’s the kind of a person who constantly exhausts himself and stretches himself thin trying to do the right thing. Sometimes it just takes him a while to figure out what that right thing is.” Catarina gave Magnus some time to digest what she just told him. Perhaps she also waited for some sort of a comment. When none came she went on. “What do you think triggered those flashbacks?” She almost regretted asking when he tensed up again.

Magnus swallowed laboriously. “Last night I saw something about Alec that... caught me by surprise. It made... certain kind of things begin to stir.”

Catarina would’ve celebrated inwardly. If she hadn’t seen how conflicted those budding feelings made her friend. “Do you think you’re falling in love with him?” She could understand that such was overwhelming, especially on top of everything else.

Magnus had his eyes fixed on the floor. They darted around restlessly, as though trying to catch something. “I’ve always told myself that I’d never fall for a Nephilim. That such would never have a happy ending.” He huffed and ran an unsteady hand through his hair. “Even if I was falling... Would it matter?” It was easy to see how he forced himself to continue. “I’m a mess. I can barely stand looking at myself. I don’t... I don’t have any idea what to do with myself or my life.” He breathed sharply through his nose to keep himself from falling apart completely. “Besides, even if Alexander would by some miracle want...” The man made a disgusted gesture towards his own body. “... _this_... How am I supposed to even consider starting a relationship? What would I have to offer?”

Catarina’s heart broke at the unexpected confession. It took a mighty while before she had even the faintest idea what to say. “I know that it’s hard for you to believe right now. But you do have a lot to offer.” It pained her how little he thought of himself. “I can’t tell you what to do with those feelings that are awakening. But as your friend, I’m telling you this.” She took his hand and gave it a squeeze. She hated how cold his skin felt. (A warlock’s hands were never cold with the magic swirling inside them.) “I want you to be happy.”

Finally Magnus met her gaze. She didn’t think she’d ever seen anyone appear so thoroughly lost and crushed. “How?”

Catarina tightened her hold on him. Because it felt like he was slipping away in front of her very eyes. “You’ve lost too much. But you haven’t lost everything. And if you let me, I’ll try to help you make the most your life with everything you have left.”

It was impossible to tell if Magnus believed her. Or if he was able to draw comfort from her words. “Can I go home?”

Catarina gave him a look of sympathy. “I know that you hate being here as much as I do. But right now you need to spend a night around all this fancy medical equipment.”

Her answer was met with a rather chilling air of defeat. Magnus shrugged, then lay down on the bed. Sensing her worry, he waved his hand dismissively. “I’m fine. I just need to feel sorry for myself for a moment.”

Of course they both knew better than that. But at the moment there was nothing more she could do. At least she had him somewhere safe, whether either of them was comfortable with their surroundings or not. In the morning she’d slip Magnus a warlock therapist’s contact information. What he’d do with the call card was his decision to make.

As it was, someone else seemed to be in need of her help. Magnus was too overwhelmed to notice someone watching but she wasn’t. Alec stood by the room’s doorway, his face nearly ashen and his suspiciously red eyes full of heartbreak. She didn’t know how much he’d heard but it was clearly too much.

Catarina gave her friend’s shoulder a supportive squeeze. “I’ll come and check up on you soon. Try to get some rest.”

Magnus returned her gesture with placing his hand on top of hers and squeezing lightly.

As soon as Catarina had made her way to Alec she gestured for him to follow her. He spoke when they were out of Magnus’ earshot. "I should've never left him today." He didn't let her try soothing words. “How is he?”

Catarina sighed. She was starting to develop a headache of her own. “Honestly? I’m far more worried about his state of mind than those headaches.” She’d never seen him as depressed as he was at the moment.

Alec emitted a sound of pain and frustration. “And being at the infirmary where he woke up to this new reality isn’t helping.” He shifted his weight, then seemed to make up his mind. “Do you... think it’s okay if I take him somewhere else to rest if it’s still inside this building?”

Of course Catarina figured out immediately what he meant. “Alec... I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.” The two of them sharing the Shadowhunter’s room for a night while they were both emotionally raw might lead to a disaster.

Despair filled Alec’s gaze. (It disarmed her, and she could only imagine the impact it’d have on Magnus.) “Please...! He’s suffering, and... It's my fault, this is all my fault. There’s so little I can do for him. Let me do at least this much.”

/

Magnus offered no resistance when Alec introduced his idea. Which wasn’t a surprise. Of course the man was eager to get away from the infirmary, which he already escaped of his own accord once. Magnus’ tension was still very visible when they entered the archer’s room.

“I know that you don’t feel comfortable with being here”, Alec stated softly. (That horrible breakfast on his boyfriend’s first and only morning at the Institute was still a far too fresh memory.) “But it’s just one night. And...” He hesitated, wondering if he was about to cross one of those million lines that now existed between them, lurking like landmines. “Maybe tomorrow, if you feel up to it, you can meet some people who have missed you a lot.” He knew that recently Izzy had spent time with Magnus sometimes. Clary asked about him often. Jace was worried about them both. Maybe facing that care would show Magnus that he wasn’t alone in the world, whether he had his magic or not.

Magnus nodded. It was impossible to tell how the man actually felt about the matter, because his Mona Lisa’s smile was firmly back in place. The nearly flawless mask did crack, though, when they both realized that they had to try getting some sleep. “I... should’ve realized that you only have one bed. I can...”

Alec shook his head quickly. “It’s okay. I can sleep on a mattress on the floor.” He wondered if he’d get any sleep at all, anyway, wherever he lay down.

To both their surprise, it seemed, Magnus shook his head. “Alexander, I’m not kicking you out of your own bed.” (Oh, how amazing it felt to be called that again!) The older man seemed... bashful, almost. Or was it embarrassed? “I have a feeling that my reputation still precedes me. But I’m not as much of a predatory Lothario as people claim. I’m perfectly capable of keeping my hands and other parts to myself.”

Alec felt a slash of ache. Magnus was one of those people of whom many had formed their opinion before he even walked into the room. (Especially Nephilim. His parents were a prime example.) It was time to show once again that he was different. “I know. I trust you.” _With my life._ Perhaps that was the wrong thing to say, after all. Because the smaller man grimaced. “Are you okay?”

Magnus nodded immediately. The former mask was firmly back in place. “I’m fine. Just a small headache.” The man nodded towards the bathroom. “I’ll... go and freshen up.”

Alec’s heart was pounding so fast and loudly that he didn’t hear water running, then stopping. The previous time he felt nervous like that was before their first time. His heart refused to calm down even after he’d assured himself a hundred times that _nothing_ would happen that night. Just... Even the thought of having Magnus in his bed, close...

“I’m glad Catarina warned me to grab an overnight bag.” Magnus’s voice sent a pleasant shiver down his spine. “I doubt you would’ve had makeup remover.” (He did, actually, inside one of the bathroom drawers. Because he once had a boyfriend staying over who preferred removing makeup the mundane way.)

Alec peered over his shoulder. And whatever he’d been about to say froze into his throat. Magnus’ presence always took his breath away. But facing the man’s makeup free face... Simply being allowed to see Magnus without his warpaint, wearing that shirt he’d stolen from Alec at some point... It left him speechless. Sparked dangerous fool’s hopes that maybe... maybe... maybe...

Magnus shifted self-consciously, clearly taking his reaction the wrong way. Alec hurried to cut off any self-deprecating comments. “Don’t”, he commanded, perhaps a little more sharply than he’d meant to. “You’re beautiful.”

Something like startle filled Magnus’ eyes. They looked right into his, as though searching for something. “You’ve... said that to me before. Or am I confusing things?” By then the headache was clearly getting too much to handle. The man waved his hand dismissively. “Don’t mind me, I’m being an overly emotional fool today. I do appreciate you attempting to make me feel better, though.”

Alec wished, from the bottom of his heart, that he would’ve been able to convince Magnus that he meant every word. But they were both too tired and overwhelmed for that particular conversation. So, admitting defeat in the face of crushing fatigue, they lay down. The archer felt a flutter of warmth when his beloved instinctively chose his usual side of the bed.

It hurt that he couldn’t pull Magnus into his arms like he usually did. But having him there... It made Alec feel better and less lonely than he had since the whole nightmare began. This time he didn’t close his eyes immediately, because he didn’t have to pretend that Magnus was beside him. “Goodnight”, he whispered. And bit his tongue to avoid adding the usual ‘I love you’.

Magnus yawned and, whether the man noticed it or not, snuggled just a tiny bit closer. “Goodnight.” If the room wasn’t dark, Alec would’ve seen how the other frowned, getting a distinct feeling that he should’ve said something more.

Unlike Alec had expected they both fell asleep quickly and effortlessly, lulled to a peaceful slumber by each other’s presence.

/

A hand reached out towards Magnus. “Care to dance?”

Magnus was tempted. But resisted with a grimace. “I’m sorry, darling. But the nightmares I still have of Havana...”

His companion was relentless. “Give me a chance to surprise you again. I’ve been practicing.”

Magnus’ body gave in before his mind did. They spun around gracefully and soon he was feeling dizzy for reasons that had nothing to do with their movements. “Speechless?” the other man’s voice barely managed to reach him.

“Among other things”, Magnus chuckled breathlessly. He lifted his gaze. “You continue to surprise me, Alexander.”

Alec smiled back at him in a way that would’ve made anyone’s heart skip a beat.

/

Magnus woke up with a gasp, cold sweat lingering on his skin. He’d had that dream before. But this was the first time his dancing partner had a face and a name.

He turned his gaze very slowly towards Alec, who was mercifully still fast asleep.

Someone had already broken that poor young man’s heart. If Magnus couldn’t get his feelings and head sorted out... He dreaded that he might end up doing the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear... Those two are on an emotional roller coaster from hell. (whimpers) LOL, but hey, at least they went to bed together...! Even if not in the way we would’ve all wanted...
> 
> So... Yeah. I’m MEAN. And I’m afraid that I’ll be meaner before this story ends. (winces) BUT, the word is yours! Was that ANY good, at all? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! It always makes my day.
> 
> IN THE NEXT ONE: Magnus meets some people who are new to him. And ends up learning a shocking truth... (Yeah, people, that’s right. The brown stuff is about to hit the fan.)
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	7. Playing With Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus meets some people who are new to him. And ends up learning a shocking truth...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m, once again, SO SORRY that it took me this long to update! It felt like there was a blockage in my head, keeping me from completing this chapter. (groans) BUT, here I am again. Yay?
> 
> THANK YOU, so much, for your comments, love and support! You always help me fight on with this story when I almost give up. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, because I’ve already kept you waiting too long, let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

Magnus didn’t expect to fall asleep again after his dream of Alec. But he must’ve, because when he began to stir the light of a new morning was starting to fill the room. He stretched but tensed up upon realizing how close to him another body was pressed.

_What...?_

Magnus opened his eyes quickly to find that Alec was starting to wake up, too. It was impossible to tell which one of them had moved in their sleep. Perhaps both of them. Somehow they’d ended up to each other’s arms. Like it was perfectly natural. The most confusing part was that he couldn’t convince himself to move away.

Alec inhaled a deep breath, then yawned gloriously. It took quite some time before the younger man finally opened his eyes. The second he did startle sparked in them. “Magnus, I... I’m sorry...!”

Magnus shook his head quickly. He even tried to smile but it definitely didn’t come out right. “I doubt we have much control over what we do in our sleep”, he pointed out hoarsely. Out of breath in a way he hadn’t experienced in a very, very long time.

They still didn’t quite manage to move away from each other. It was like they’d been pulled together by some invisible gravity. It was terrifyingly natural and comforting.

Magnus knew that he should’ve brought an end to it before Alec got the wrong idea. Because he meant what he said to Catarina the day before. He wasn’t in the kind of a headspace where he could enter a relationship. And even the thought of getting together with a Shadowhunter still made alarm bells go off in his head. That Alec was different didn’t erase centuries’ worth of... unpleasant encounters.

But being held by Alec made him feel like he’d come home, and he couldn’t...

“Magnus, hey.” Alec brushed his face with one hand, which made him shiver for several reasons. The man looked at him with a confused frown. “Your heart’s racing, and you’re breathing too fast. What’s going on?”

The brutal slash of a headache made Magnus flinch and grimace.

/ _A hand that felt safe and familiar touched him. “Hey.” The physical contact and the quiet, comforting voice coaxed him to look up. “There’s nothing ugly about you.”_ / The agonizing memory flash ended just before he would’ve seen the speaker’s face.

Magnus’ head was hurting horribly, his heart felt like it might jump right out and he had no idea what to think about anything. He fought to push through it all. “I need a long shower, and coffee”, he mumbled.

Alec nodded slowly. “Okay. I think those can be arranged.” A pair of worried eyes searched his face, as though trying to determine whether he was alright enough to leave the bed. “Maybe we should ask Catarina to check up on you again after breakfast.”

Magnus didn’t want to bother his friend. But he was too tired for arguments that’d lead nowhere. So he nodded and headed to a shower, hoping that scalding water would clear his thoughts.

Magnus spent a ridiculous amount of time in the bathroom. He scrubbed and scratched, but it didn’t make him feel any better. It wasn’t just his head that hurt. His whole body was cold and achy.

Once again Magnus wasn’t certain if he was disappointed or relieved when Alec wasn’t there as he emerged from the bathroom. He didn’t have very long to mull it over. Because his gaze flickered towards the bed. Almost immediately he was attacked by another flashback.

/ _He woke up in a bed identical to that one. To find a glass of orange juice and flowers waiting for him. “You sleep okay?” a distorted voice that sounded infuriatingly familiar inquired._ /

“You okay?”

Magnus blinked several times and fought the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose. The headache was definitely escalating again. “I’m fine.” He turned his gaze, careful with every little move, to discover that Alec was holding a small bag. “What’s... all that?”

“I asked Izzy if she could borrow you some of her makeup.” Alec gave him a look of sympathy. “I know that you’d feel even more uncomfortable walking around this building with your face bare.”

Magnus was so touched that he had hard time finding his voice. “Thank you, Alexander.” He wasn’t sure why he called the Shadowhunter by his full name. But it seemed natural and the other didn’t mind. “I may not be very good at getting myself ready the mundane way but your sister has helped me improve.”

Alec smiled. In a manner that made his eyes soften. “She’s an artist with an eyeliner.”

Magnus nodded. He opened the bag and was curious upon seeing that a piece of paper had been fastened to the pocket-mirror inside. ‘ _Stop checking, you look perfect just the way you are_ ’, it said. A hint of warmth swell in his chest. “She’s also an amazing friend.”

It took him embarrassingly long to get himself to a point where he could consider showing himself to a large amount of Shadowhunters. Alec didn’t seem annoyed. Aside his frustrated huffs and groans and the rustle of paper a peaceful silence lingered while he put on makeup and Alec did paperwork. It was like they’d started their day together a million times before.

Magnus had imagined that he was ready for a breakfast surrounded by more Shadowhunters than he cared to count. But when he and Alec were about to enter the room he froze. Not only because what little sense of security he had vanished. But also because he could’ve sworn that he’d gone through the exact same thing before.

Walking in... Having far too many pairs of unfriendly eyes turn towards him... Knowing with every cell of his body that he was an unwanted intruder...

“Magnus?” Alec sounded understandably worried. “What’s wrong?”

“I... I know that this is ridiculous, but...” Why was it so hard to breathe? “Can we... eat elsewhere? Please? I can’t...” He lost all words, there.

Alec had a deep frown on his face. It was easy to tell that he had a million questions but the time wasn’t right for them. “Sure. Let’s go.”

The knowledge that he’d get out of the building made a tiny bit of Magnus’ tension melt away. The younger man’s poorly disguised nervous excitement did funny things to him. “Lead the way.”

Outside the crisp autumn morning wrapped around Magnus and he shivered. Alec reacted to his discomfort instinctively and wrapped an arm around him before either of them saw it coming. While Magnus’ head whirred his body had already made its decision and practically melted against the taller man.

In the middle of the emotional chaos Magnus decided that it was nice to feel warm again, even if only for a moment.

/ 

Alec was overwhelmed by how right it felt to have Magnus so close to him again. Even if it was only briefly. Even if something was so very obviously missing.

It felt incredibly good to get back at least a ghost of what they used to be.

“Alec! Magnus!” Clary’s sudden voice made Alec shudder and Magnus jolted like he’d been electrocuted. And, much to the archer’s dismay, the smaller man jumped further from him. “Where are you two going?”

Alec did his best to control his temper. Especially because it looked like the redhead had gone through a long, rough night, too. “We decided to have breakfast elsewhere.”

“And miss pancake day?” Jace joined in. He and Izzy walked beside Clary. “Can we join you? Shadowhunters aren’t exactly the best chefs and it’d be great to get an excuse to eat out.”

Alec was irritated. But when he looked, he also saw how much his brother and Clary had missed Magnus. And he realized that he couldn’t keep his beloved in a bubble that consisted only of him, Catarina, Izzy and Madzie.

Perhaps re-introducing Magnus to the life he’d forgotten would help him remember it.

Magnus didn’t seem quite certain whether he wanted several Nephilim around him. But the man had probably been a charmer since the day he was born. Always eager to make the people around him happy. So the magicless warlock flashed a smile that almost reached his eyes. “Do you know a place that sells decent chamomile tea?”

Clary’s eyes lit up. For a moment she was able to forget about her toxic bond with Jonathan. “Yeah, I do.”

While the five of them enjoyed tea Izzy and Clary talked eagerly, telling Magnus about places in modern New York he absolutely had to see. They also demanded that he had to go shopping with them one day. (It was something the trio did a lot, before, Alec remembered with a touch of melancholy.) The longer the talking continued, the more Magnus seemed to relax as the sense of safety and fragile trust returned. Jace rolled his eyes at the girls’ excited babbling but couldn’t hold back a smile. Alec shared the sentiment. They were both glad to see their loved ones relaxing for a little while.

No matter how short the moment of optimism might be, the parabatais dared to believe that perhaps everything would work out.

Then someone passing by gave Magnus an accidental shove, making the man spill tea on his hand. All his protective instincts surging to life, Alec bounced up so quickly that he nearly knocked over his chair. (It was a small mercy that the other man was too preoccupied to be startled.) “Are you okay? Did you burn yourself?”

Magnus shook his head a little too quickly. “No, no, I just... got caught by surprise.” The man inhaled a deep breath. “I’m so sorry to end this abruptly, but... I think I should go home. My headache’s getting worse and I won’t be great company soon enough.”

Alec wondered why it looked like Magnus wasn’t telling the whole truth.

The other three didn’t notice the dishonesty, or if they did they didn’t let it show. Izzy and Clary both hugged Magnus goodbye, a little carefully but warmly. The redhead whispered something that brought a tiny but honest smile to his beloved’s lips.

After the others had gone Alec moved to follow Magnus. Who gave him a look of surprise and perhaps suspicion. “What... are you doing?”

“You’re not feeling well, and... I’m worried.” Alec shrugged, feeling a hint of embarrassment. “I’d like to walk you home, if that’s okay.”

Magnus hesitated. But only for a second. “Why not. I could get a worse escort than a handsome Shadowhunter.”

Alec couldn’t help but grin. Especially when a hand grabbed his. The archer didn’t care if the gesture was only subconscious. It felt too good.

/

They made the journey in a thoughtful silence. Magnus’ head was too full of other thoughts for him to notice that he was holding Alec’s hand. Because when the tea burned him, he had another flashback. Of fire, and Alec.

/ _“Tell me Jace isn’t worth it.”_ / He didn’t see enough to know for certain what happened next. Just that he was burning, and in unimaginable pain. And Alec was there.

Magnus had hard time trying to make sense of it all. What happened, and what did Jace and Alec have to do with it? He wanted to ask, but when he tried his tongue got tied. He wondered if a part of him didn’t want to know.

Suddenly they were already behind the door of his apartment. “Thank you, for making sure that I got here safely. Although it was hardly necessary.”

“I just want to make sure that you’ll be okay.” Alec moved a little closer and licked his lips. “Magnus, I...”

It was unclear what happened after that and why. But all of a sudden they were so close that they could feel each other’s breaths. If either would’ve twitched forward, even just a little bit... Magnus’ heart hammered madly in his chest while he wondered what in the world he was doing.

Then Alec’s phone started ringing. Magnus took the opportunity to flee and sped into the apartment. Even if a part of him would’ve desperately wanted to find out how the Shadowhunter’s lips would’ve felt against his own.

It was for the best to not get a taste of what’d only lead to heartbreak, he told himself.

Magnus had no idea how long he spent in a painfully warm shower, futilely trying to wash away dangerous temptations. He stayed until his skin couldn’t take it anymore. After that he practically collapsed into his bed, headache, several horribly slept nights and conflicted feelings proving too much. He woke up an unclear amount of time later from dreams of hellfire, still feeling the heat on his skin. In the dreams, or perhaps memories, Alec watched him burn.

Magnus decided that he needed a drink. A long, stiff one. Or several.

Magnus hauled himself out of the bed. He groaned and stretched to appease his stiff, sore muscles. Then began to make his way towards a liquor cabinet. He never got there before spotting something that made him freeze.

Apparently he hadn’t been alone, after all. Because Alec, who never left, lay on the couch that had to be uncomfortable for someone so tall. Sleeping fitfully with a frown on his face.

Gently, almost lovingly, Magnus draped a quilt around Alec. The young man’s lips quirked to a tiny smile when his fingers accidentally brushed the rune-marked skin. Fortunately the man didn’t wake up. Magnus had no idea how he would’ve explained something even he couldn’t understand. He especially couldn’t understand why that smile did the kind of things to him it did.

Magnus was about to perform a tactical retreat. Until he noticed a phone Alec had dropped to the floor. He picked it up and ended up brushing the screen. What became revealed made his head spin for a few seconds.

Before falling asleep Alec had been looking at pictures. Of them. The one Magnus currently stared at had been taken in front of a wall that had locks attached to it. Alec was smiling radiantly, like someone who had everything they could possibly need in the world, while kissing his cheek. Baffled and overwhelmed, Magnus shifted his attention to his own facial expression on the snapshot. He tried to seem exasperated. But the way his eyes twinkled and how he leaned towards the Shadowhunter spoke the truth.

Magnus... looked happy. Really, genuinely happy. And like he was in love.

He’d been happy. He made someone else happy. And he had no memories of any of it ever happening. He might never recall any of it. He might never be happy again.

The worst part, however, was to realize that he was the one who broke Alec’s heart.

It was so obvious, now that he thought about it. Those memory flashes... How well Alec seemed to know him... The agony the young Shadowhunter was clearly in... They were both suffering. His pain was dragging Alec down, too.

A tear, just one, slid down Magnus’ cheek. Guilt and sorrow poked at his heart like a thorn while he stared at the other’s innocent but troubled face. “Alexander, I’m sorry...!” he choked out barely audibly. “I’m so sorry.”

Magnus couldn’t breathe, wasn’t able to think. Out, he needed to get out. Before he’d suffocate. Was there enough air in the whole world to fill his lungs?

Forgetting his coat, shoes, keys and phone, Magnus dashed out of the apartment and disappeared into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooooh boy... Yeah, that does NOT sound good. Magnus knows, now, is totally overwhelmed and just went missing.
> 
> Soooo... Thoughts? Comments? Was that worth the wait? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! It always brightens my days.
> 
> IN THE NEXT ONE: A frantic Alec and the others look for Magnus. Will they find him before something horrible happens?
> 
> Until next time, folks! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	8. Go Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A frantic Alec and the others look for Magnus. Will they find him before something horrible happens?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been way, way, WAY TOO LONG. But did you really think that I’d just leave Magnus all alone, confused and sick to the streets of New York? (smiles) I FINALLY found the spark to continue with this!
> 
> THANK YOU, a thousand times, for your comments, love and support! (HUGS) It’s thanks to you this story now came back. You’re AMAZING!
> 
> Awkay, then. Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride and find it worth the wait.

Alec woke up to a sunrise touching his face. At first he yawned and stretched, too out of it to realize where he was and what happened before he fell asleep. Then the pain in his back registered, and he tensed up upon recognizing Magnus’ couch.

He wasn’t supposed to fall asleep there, when he hadn’t even asked Magnus’ permission to stay.

A Shadowhunter on a mission, Alec bounced to a sitting position so quickly that he felt lightheaded for a moment. “Magnus?” he mumbled, suspecting that the man was already awake. There was no reply. When he peered towards the bedroom, he discovered that the door was open. A bad feeling began to swell and squirm in the pit of his stomach.

Stiff and on guard, Alec inspected first the bedroom, then the whole apartment. Magnus wasn’t there. The dread from before intensified tenfold while he grabbed a phone and called. His beloved’s familiar ringtone could be heard somewhere in the apartment. A further search revealed that Magnus hadn’t taken along his keys, coat or shoes, either. Alec felt like someone had poured ice water on him.

Of course he knew, on a level of reason, that Magnus was centuries old, not a helpless child. But with the headaches, magic loss and general confusion the man was in no condition to wander the city all alone. Especially when he’d clearly left in a state of great distress.

This was all his fault, his failure. He stayed to make sure that Magnus was okay after probably making things even more overwhelming with the almost kiss. And he didn’t even wake up to the man leaving. How could he let his guard down so badly?

Alec shivered when Magnus’ phone started ringing again. He picked up hurriedly when he found the item and saw who the caller was. “Catarina!” he breathed out in relief. If there was anyone who could help...

“ _Alec?_ ” She sounded understandably suspicious. “ _Why... do you have Magnus’ phone?_ ”

Alec swallowed thickly. “I... I spent the night at Magnus’ apartment. On a couch.” It felt important to add that, even though the words brought heat to his cheeks. “When I woke up he was missing. Did he come to you?” But why would Catarina call if Magnus was with her?

“ _No._ ” Catarina swore under her breath. “ _Give me ten minutes. I’ll call the hospital that I’m sick and arrange a sitter for Madzie._ ”

“I’m not just waiting here!” Alec snapped. And regretted his harsh tone immediately. “Magnus, he’s... he’s out there, and he doesn’t even have his shoes...!”

“ _Alec._ ” Catarina’s tone was firm and gentle all at once. “ _A wild goose chase in a city the size of New York isn’t going to get you anywhere. Especially when you’re too panicked to think clearly._ ” (Usually Alec would’ve argued that he didn’t... panic.) “ _I’ll come there, we’ll try tracking and then we’ll go to him together. Alright?_ ”

“His head was hurting again yesterday. He spent the afternoon and evening sleeping”, Alec reported miserably. “What if...?”

“ _Stop that. Right now. We’ll find him, and then we’ll help him._ ”

Alec nodded firmly. Then realized that she couldn’t see it. “Right, right.” He took a deep breath, pulling together as much composure as he could. For Magnus. “I’ll see you soon.”

“ _Ten minutes_ ”, Catarina promised and hung up.

Alec braced himself grimly for some of the longest ten minutes’ of his life. To have something to do, and knowing that all possible help was needed, he sent Jace and Izzy messages, explaining what was going on. The whole time horrible memories of Magnus’ heart and breathing stopping in his arms kept replaying.

He lost Magnus, back then, right after they agreed to find a home together. Only for a few minutes but still, and his best efforts weren’t enough to revive his boyfriend. Even Catarina barely succeeded. He didn’t know what he’d do if he lost Magus again.

/

Magnus didn’t really pay attention to his surroundings while moving forward. He didn’t notice the looks people gave him, or how cold he felt. All he knew was that he had to keep walking, even if he had no idea where he was going. The further he advanced, the worse his headache and confusion got.

In the end one can only run for so long. Magnus’ feet hurt and cramped, and eventually he slumped to the street. Shivering and utterly drained, he pulled his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.

Ragnor’s ghost appearing beside him should’ve alarmed him far more than it did. His friend sighed. “Magnus, what are you doing here?”

Magnus hummed, so tired that his eyelids drooped. “Hiding.” He lifted his hand and went on before the ghost could comment. “Just... for five minutes. Until the world makes sense.”

Ragnor snorted while sitting down as well. “You’re talking to a fragment of your imagination, lost in New York without your magic and starting to realize that you’re in love with a Nephilim. It may take more than five minutes before the world makes sense again.”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “One thing I don’t miss about you? Your sense of humor.”

Ragnor smirked. “Aaaw. Is that you admitting that you do miss me?”

Magnus huffed. “Of course I do.” He swallowed but it didn’t help with the lump in his throat. “It’s... been hard.” He hated admitting that, even to a ghost.

“I know.” Ragnor’s voice had lost all former playfulness. “I wish that I could actually be there for you.”

Magnus didn’t know what to say to that. So he uttered nothing. Instead he closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall behind him.

“That’s not a good idea”, Ragnor cautioned.

“I know”, Magnus mumbled. “Just... five more minutes.” His mind drifted to darkness almost before those words were out.

/

While Magnus sat on the street Alec and Catarina attempted tracking. Izzy, Jace, Clary and Simon reported on occasion but so far had found nothing. Unfortunately it looked like even without his magic Magnus was infuriatingly good at disappearing.

“Is there any way to speed that up?”

“For the fifth time, no.” Catarina did her best to maintain what little was left of her patience. Sympathy joined annoyance and intense worry when she glanced towards the distraught Shadowhunter. “You know well that tracking isn’t as simple as it looks. But I want to find Magnus as badly as you do.”

“Of course I know that. I’m sorry, I just...” Alec swallowed hard, unwilling to meet her gaze. “This is my fault, all of this. If something happens to him...” He trailed off.

Catarina’s heart constricted for the man who’d been suffering hellish agony since the whole nightmare began. “Because Magnus isn’t here right now, I’ll tell you what he would.” She went on after gently stopping his hands from making painful looking motions, when she could be sure that she had his attention. “You need to stop blaming and torturing yourself. Magnus chose to go to his father and later he chose to go to Lorenzo. Both times he knew the risks. And last night he chose to flee.”

“Because he wasn’t thinking clearly.”

“Which is why we need to think clearly for him to get him back.” Catarina felt a thud of hope when she realized that the tracking worked and they finally had a location. “Now let’s go and get him.”

Unfortunately it seemed that nothing could ever go according to plan for them. Because by the time they reached their destination Magnus was no longer there. All they found was a few ominous drops of blood.

/

Magnus woke up with his whole skull throbbing to an intense need to throw up. Which was precisely what he did, unaware of the people passing by and giving him disgusted glances. He groaned and pressed a hand against his forehead but it did nothing to help. Nor could he escape the voice echoing in his head. Which didn’t keep him from trying, as soon as he managed to stand on dangerously unsteady feet. He had no idea that he had a nosebleed or how long he’d walked. The flashes that tore at him like blades wouldn’t stop coming. The static, unidentifiable voice wouldn’t stop tormenting him.

/ _“... trust you ...”_ /

/ _“You’re beautiful.”_ /

/ _“I love you.”_ /

/ _“I don’t think I can live without you.”_ /

/ _“You’re gonna make it back, you hear me?”_ /

“Magnus, stop!” Ragnor’s sudden, unexpected voice made him halt. He looked around frantically but could no longer see the ghost of his dear friend. “Stop being a stubborn fool! Stop, and listen!”

Magnus moaned and pressed both hands hard against his face. It didn’t block out the agony. “... hurts ...”

“I know.” Ragnor’s voice, by then not much more than a faint whisper, sounded sorrowful. “Stop resisting it so hard and it’ll hurt less, I promise. You fought for that love once. Now you must do so again. Go home.”

Magnus gave in, allowed the flood to come and fill his head. The force of what he encountered... It very nearly struck him to his knees.

In what he now knew to be a memory Alec watched him, the stare reserved but wanting. Like someone who felt something they were scared of. / _“I trust you. I don’t know why but I do.”_ /

Alec, bare-chested and visibly breathless, watched him with an adoring smile. Like someone falling in love. / _“You’re beautiful.”_ /

Arms wrapped around him and pulled him close. Held on as though attempting to shield him from the whole world, or like he was the other’s whole world. / _“I love you.”_ /

Alec watched him. Wary, hopeful, honest, in love and desperate. Like someone who was offering their whole heart for him to do as he pleased with it. / _“I don’t think I can live without you.”_ /

Alec kissed him. It tasted of remorse, love, heartache and despair. It tasted like the younger man’s heart was being torn out. / _“You’re gonna make it back, you hear me?”_ /

‘ _Go home._ ’

Magnus’ feet began to lead him before he’d made a conscious decision to move.

/

“Alec, breathe! Do you remember what I said? We need to stay calm and think clearly.”

Alec barely heard Catarina. Because all that existed to him was the blood on asphalt and the terror clawing at him mercilessly. He knew with some very bizarre certainty who the droplets of red came from. What if Magnus was sick, had been attacked or got into an accident? What if...?

Alec had no idea how far into a panic attack he might’ve spiraled if his phone hadn’t started ringing. He picked up so hastily that he almost dropped the item upon noticing who the caller was. “Please tell me you found him”, he pleaded.

“ _We_ _did._ ” Clary still sounded worried, though. “ _I got a feeling that Jace and I should check the loft, just in case. He lay right outside the door when we got here._ ”

The world spun in front of Alec’s eyes. His mouth went so dry that it was hard to talk. “Is he alright?”

“ _I’m... not sure._ ” Clary hesitated for a maddening while. “ _He’s breathing well and his vitals seems okay. But there’s dried blood under his nose and he isn’t waking up. Maybe we should take him to the Institu..._ ”

“Don’t take him anywhere!” Alec interrupted sharply. His heart was racing as he met Catarina’s questioning expression. “We have to... Take me home, right now. Magnus...!” He wasn’t making any sense but luckily the warlock understood.

A quick portal trip later they were inside the familiar loft and dashed directly to the bedroom. Jace’s supportive hand on Alec’s shoulder kept him as grounded as possible while Catarina’s magic did a quick but efficient scan. What if...? What if...? What if...?

The flash of relief in Catarina’s eyes silenced his worst fears. “His feet need some healing, he’s beyond exhausted, mildly hypothermic and I don’t like the fact that his nose was obviously bleeding heavily. I want to keep an eye on him for a while but... It looks like he’ll be fine.”

Alec didn’t know where the chair by the bed came from but he was glad for it because his legs couldn’t carry his weight any longer. He slumped down and took Magnus’ hand into both of his. He didn’t even notice the others leaving while he kissed his beloved’s worryingly cold knuckles. “It’s okay, everything’s gonna be alright. You’re home”, he choked out. (And tried hard to convince himself that it was true.) He was so relieved that his eyes threatened to overflow for a second. “You’re home.”

/

Magnus slept for almost twenty hours. When he finally woke up he knew instinctively that he wasn’t alone. Someone’s comforting presence was right beside him and he sighed, tightening his hold on the large, calloused hand grasping his gently.

“Magnus?” Alec’s voice was quiet and almost timid but enough to make him shiver. “Shh, it’s okay, you’re safe, now.”

Magnus nodded and allowed his cramping muscles to relax.

Alec emitted a heavy sigh that sounded like one of relief. “When I woke up and you were missing... I thought...” Even though the young man couldn’t finish it was easy to hear how scared he’d been.

Magnus swallowed thickly, hating the taste in his mouth. “I’m sorry”, he murmured. “I just... I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. So I ran.” He wasn’t proud of it and he didn't want to imagine how much worse his whole escapade could’ve ended. But now that he could think and breathe just fine it was time to face what he ran away from.

“Magnus?”

How long had he been silent, trying to find his voice and courage? Magnus inhaled deep, then let it out. “I... think I remember some things, just bits and pieces. Before...” What, before everything went straight to hell? “Were we... _together_?”

Shock radiated from Alec before the man hesitated. He didn’t dare to look but sensed the nod. “Yeah. I would’ve told you sooner but with... everything it would’ve been too much.” (Magnus would’ve been upset about the secrecy if he hadn’t agreed reluctantly. His immediate reaction to the reveal showed clearly how right Alec was.) “It wasn’t always easy but... Well, we seemed to develop this routine to always find our way back to each other. Because we loved each other.” There was a long, heavy pause. “We... agreed to move in together just before you... fell ill.”

Magnus wanted to laugh and cry at the same. He was in too much shock to manage either. “Do you still love me?” He looked up almost shyly, just enough to meet the other’s gaze. “Like this?”

The utter heartbreak that appeared to Alec’s eyes, those that couldn’t lie, was simultaneously beautiful and horrible. (During all the centuries he’d lived, he’d never been loved with that devotion.) “Magnus, there could never be a version of you that I wouldn’t love.”

Magnus stared at the Shadowhunter and couldn’t find anything but sincerity. How could someone look at him and love him that way when he was a useless, pathetic mess? “I’m... not sure how much I have to give right now”, he whispered.

Alec sighed. “I don’t love you for what you can do for me and give me. I love you because of you. I wish I could’ve convinced you of that earlier because then we might not be in this situation.” A tender, hesitant hand brushed his cheek and he leaned to it, never knowing of the single tear the taller man wiped away. “One of the things that made me fall in love with you is how you helped me feel at peace with myself. My sexual orientation, imperfections and all. Maybe I can do the same for you now.”

Magnus wasn’t very optimistic that it was possible. No warlock could survive long without their magic. But this was the first pleasant big surprise he’d had since losing his memories. And he had to try and fight, with all his might, for the young man who watched him as if he was the Nephilim’s whole world. “I do wish that I’d remember a relationship with someone like you. But at least my head doesn’t hurt anymore.” He went on aiming for a light tone but not quite succeeding. “I, ah... wouldn’t say ‘no’ to a hug.”

It was like he’d handed a drowning man a rope. Achingly lovingly and cautiously Alec moved to sit on the bed, then pulled him to his arms and held on as though having been touch-starved for decades. After a brief hesitation Magnus held back in much the same way and although his memories didn’t rush back miraculously, although he didn’t feel whole, it was strangely like coming home. He had something worth fighting for.

For a few stolen moments what was left of Magnus’ shattered, battered heart thrummed contentedly.

/

Magnus’ new, possibly fleeting hope and fragile little contentment were powerful enough to echo to Edom. There a pair of annoyed, furious cat eyes flew open. To fill with sinister determination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those who have been wondering what causes Magnus’ headaches and why the first memory-glimpses of Alec he got were the most horrible ones... Meet Father of the Year contestant Asmodeus. His hobbies include but aren’t limited to breaking his son’s heart and stealing his son’s magic. (groans) But aaaw! Is this Malec-progress? I think it is! (BEAMS) Magnus, no more running away – and Alec, take care of you love now that he lets you!
> 
> Soooo... Was that worth the LONG wait? Thoughts, comments, theories? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments inspire me like nothing else and brighten my days.
> 
> IN THE NEXT ONE: Alec tries to help and woo Magnus the best as he knows how. Will it be a success or a disaster?
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care and stay safe!

**Author's Note:**

> Oh jeez... Poor dears! Especially Magnus, tossed into a reality where basically everything’s wrong. If only he knew just how much he’s loved...!
> 
> SOOOO... How’s that for a start? Any good, at all? Would you like to read more? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! It’d mean THE WORLD to me.
> 
> In any case, thank you SO MUCH for reading! Who knows. Maybe I’ll see you again?
> 
> Take care!


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